Today’s the Day

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Today court is being held.  I don’t know what time but at 4pm PST I will call and try to get through to the caseworker.  If I can’t reach her today I’ll have to try tomorrow.

Even though I’m hopeful – I am preparing myself for another delay.  I don’t want it – but I guess it’s a way to protect myself.  I know many people are praying and I’m relying on the fact that the timing will be perfect even if it’s not what I’m hoping for.

I’m surprisingly calm today.  Seeking refuge in the Lord as needed.  Thank you for your continued prayers on our behalf!

Does this make me a liar??

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Could it instead be that I’m fickle? Would that be better?!

Remember 3 days ago when I said…

While I did join Secret of the Stole 2 – I’ve decided I’m not going to knit along. I want to make sure it will be a pattern I’ll be happy with when completed. Too much work to find out you don’t like it. I guess I’m too practical to enjoy the mystery part of it!

Well….I started it today! I’m about 2 froggings and 19 rows (+ lifeline – I’m learning!) into it. I’m using the Knit Picks Shadow in Oregon coast that I have on hand…but I’ll need one more skein. I was going to order it to day (thought I’d put it in the middle where a slight color change might not matter) but I got distracted. 🙁

So, I’ve got my boxers for mindless knitting and this for concentration! I need to put it away now because I’m finally going to watch “Northanger Abbey” that I taped last night! And, I joined The Complete Jane Austen KAL! Adding the graphic to my sidebar next!

Battling for Peace

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This is one of those posts that I’ll write but then wonder if I should post…days later I’ll wonder if I should have posted it…and weeks later wonder if anyone would notice if I delete it.

When we were planning J1’s 13th birthday party, Eric ordered the family crest. I noticed it included the latin words “Pax In Bello“. Knowing a bit of Eric’s family history I knew they were warriors. And, I knew enough Latin to know that Pax is peace. So, that was a bit confusing.

I googled the phrase and found the following:

pax in bello peace in war

I had to stop and consider the concept. It could be that in the midst of war/strife, there can be peace. I know that is true. But it could also be there is a battle for peace. And, boy do I know that to be true.

For as long as I’ve called myself an adult, the enemy of my soul has worked hard to make sure I believe I’m not good enough, not adequate to the task, not acceptable, not as good as _____.

During Seminary, I had to realize that comparing myself to others was a waste of time and energy. I had to accept who I was and who I wasn’t. At some point, I came to peace with who I was in ministry. I became comfortable with my role.
Then I struggled with infertility. I started comparing myself to other women. I was deficient. To be honest, even after adopting and giving birth…I still battle at times with peace in this area.

Homeschooling is another area where comparing myself to others is a bad idea. And, added to it is the comparison of my boys to other children. My head knows this is a waste of time and fruitless. The blessing of home school is that I can create a specialized education for each of my children. I’m not educating the neighbors’ children. I’m educating them. I can trust God to help me meet the special needs of my boys and I’m blessed to have many resources so I’m not alone.

And though I gain victory in some areas for awhile, it is still a battle. Will it always be a battle? Will I never gain contentment and be able to stay there? Am I foolish to think that it’s attainable here on earth?

I can’t tell you how many times I cry out to the Lord for just a few moments of peace. Not just quiet (though as a mom of boys – you know I’d love a bit of that too! 😉 but contentment. No striving for the next thing. Not wishing I had something that I don’t. Not worrying about what will happen and when it will happen.

I know in the next few days the struggle for peace will be harder than ever. My head knows that we are looking at another delay – maybe even 3 to 6 mos at the least. My heart struggles to accept that. And, my heart knows that another anniversary is coming – one I wish I could block out. It’s almost been 5 years. How in the world have I made it this far? It feels a bit dishonorable that I am doing as well as I am.

I don’t want to burden my family and local friends with my lack of peace, so I turn to you all again. I know there are prayer warriors praying for me. I know the Spirit moves you to pray for me when I feel most alone. Maybe I should say my head knows these things. My heart is feeling alone. And, yes, I know how twisted that is – I know I’m alone because I’m hiding my emotions. But I’m afraid that if I try to talk about them, the emotions will overwhelm me. It’s that darn box again. If I’m going to be able to continue the things I need to do to keep the family going, I need to govern my emotions.

Wow – I’m rambling. Forgive me. But it feels better to get some of the emotions out – and journaling has never let me down!