Do you know I didn’t even realize that tomorrow marks the 3 mo anniversary of Josh’s death? Does that mean I’m ok or really bad off? (sigh) I really hope it means that the Lord is protecting me and I’m doing ok…not such an emotional mess anymore!

Tonight I went with my Mom to visit my Grandma. I hadn’t been to visit since Josh died. My uncle did not want her to know about Josh’s death because she wasn’t doing well and “probably wouldn’t even remember him”. This was pretty upsetting to me because Josh and I visited her every week from Sept to Jan, except when we were sick. I knew she’d remember and I wasn’t supposed to tell her? What was I supposed to do when she asked about him? Make her think she’s crazy and there was no baby? ANYWAY, I quit going with my mom. And, then one day mom said that Grandma asked about me and if Joshie was better yet – and Mom told her. She understood and was understandably sad – she even sent me a gift.

So, now three mos later I finally get up the courage to go see her and it was hard. What did I expect? I’m so thankful that she remembers me!! And, she remembers Joshie..and she wonders why I didn’t bring him. At least twice we had to tell her that he died. I heard her ask my mom at one point if there had been an investigation – and I smiled sadly. It only reminded me that in our day and age Children are not supposed to die from illness. But the sad thing is that they do! And, Grandma, bless her heart would be sad and then quickly get distracted by something else until she realized that I was there but the baby wasn’t.

It was so sad.

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