I’ve not been able to post to this journal because unless I shared what I was struggling with….then the purpose of this journal is a joke. Did you even know I had a purpose? LOL Well, I do! I want to share my heart – my journey back to joy after losing Josh. It’s like cheap therapy for me. And, I’m gotten some great feedback from people who are faithful to read this or just happen upon this journey’s journal.

So, here is what I’ve been struggling with….the last thing I said to Josh was that it was all going to be alright. But it wasn’t! And, I can just see him looking up at me while I took off his soft white jammies. He just looked at me in that way he did – like he could see into my heart. And, then a doctor grabbed him and soon it was all over. I didn’t take care of him – it wasn’t all right! I’ve been torturing myself with this memory and the guilt of …. well, everything. šŸ™

I finally told my husband what I’ve been dealing with and he reminded me that the Drs and coroner said he was in perfect health other than the RSV and pneumonia…he wanted me to know that we did everything we could. And, I know that. I know it was a freak incident and that everyone did everything they could/should/would have done. But my baby is still dead…and a Mommy is supposed to take care of babies! Babies aren’t supposed to die anymore!

Well, I’m now puddling everywhere and my boys are very worried about me. I could say more…but until the Lord gives me release from this, it won’t edify anyone so maybe I should just shut up.

Things to remember….

… when Josh died he got ‘instant eternity’ — no more pain, no grief, no chance to refuse the gift of eternal life.

… this life I’m living is just going to be a short time compared to the eternity I will have with my Lord.

… Time + Conflict = Change (thanks to Beth Moore for this equation) – Through this conflict/trial added to time, I’m going to be changing (Lord willing) into a better servant for Him.

Grief is so wearying…please pray for me!

5 Thoughts on “Struggling with guilt

  1. Amy, When you told Joshie everything was going to be alright – you did not lie to him, you did not let him down. He is in the most precious place he could be! Let yourself go where you need to go we are all here to hold you and help you get through it! Love you!!!! Beth

  2. Maureen on July 4, 2003 at 12:16 am said:

    Dear Amy,You are in my thoughts and prayers often.God bless,Maureen

  3. I don’t know you – I just read a message you put on the Ambleside Online page & your link was on it; I had to respond to your post.I think Beth was right – when I was reading your words about how you felt you lied to him & let him down I instantly thought “no you didn’t, everything is alright now; he is in a wonderful place”. My brother died 4 years ago and he was in my care. I still have thoughts on what I could have done to help him and I still cry almost everyday. Those thoughts of guilt will always be there — even if they are not true. I find great comfort in knowing that he is in a better place & I will see him again someday. I hope that helps???

  4. Oh Amy… my heart just breaks for the pain your heart is going through. I can’t even begin to imagine the nightmare of losing a live child, but I know the pain of losing the hope of a child… the dream of a child.I will be praying for you that God heals the gaping hole in your heart & fills it with His comfort & peace.May His peace be with you today & every day until you & Josh meet again in Heaven.Much love & prayersSue xo

  5. dear amy,you are in my prayers hon. your words to josh were not a lie. everything is alright and perfect for him in Jesus’ arms. you should feel no guilt because you did all you could, and loved with your whole heart. he knew that.hugs and prayers, amy.jenn

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Post Navigation