I’ve been thinking alot about Josh as February 22 approaches.Â I wonder what our life would look like if life had been different.Â Could I handle 4 boys?Â I know I’d be a different person if I hadn’t been through this trial.Â Would I have been stronger? Would I have been more together?Â Would I be able to remember more things?Â My memory is still very sketchy at best.Â My mom is constantly amazed at what I can’t remember. lolÂ I’m getting used to it.
I saw a horrific accident on the way to the Drs yesterday…it was too horrible to describe here.Â Just believe me that death in real life does not look like anything you imagine.Â As I drove past,Â I felt a familiar panic feeling well up – I realized it was the same panic I felt as I watched the ER team work on Joshua. Â I worked on calming down but, again, I could not.Â I was sort of a mess at the doctor’s office – great first impression I imagine.Â How can you explain to people the panic?Â The irrational feelings?
People expect that four years later the pain is less.Â I know I do!Â But darn…it isn’t!Â I just try to avoid anything that will cause me to remember.Â Anything that will cause me to remember those emotions….the sense of loss and pain.Â But it’s still there.Â There will always be a hole in me.Â I will always be incomplete.Â I’m trying to make peace with this.
Hey – don’t comment if you are going to tell me that everything will be all right.Â I don’t want to hear it.Â And, it’s a lie.