I’ve been thinking alot about Josh as February 22 approaches.  I wonder what our life would look like if life had been different.  Could I handle 4 boys?  I know I’d be a different person if I hadn’t been through this trial.  Would I have been stronger? Would I have been more together?  Would I be able to remember more things?  My memory is still very sketchy at best.  My mom is constantly amazed at what I can’t remember. lol  I’m getting used to it.

I saw a horrific accident on the way to the Drs yesterday…it was too horrible to describe here.  Just believe me that death in real life does not look like anything you imagine.  As I drove past,  I felt a familiar panic feeling well up – I realized it was the same panic I felt as I watched the ER team work on Joshua.   I worked on calming down but, again, I could not.  I was sort of a mess at the doctor’s office – great first impression I imagine.  How can you explain to people the panic?  The irrational feelings?

People expect that four years later the pain is less.  I know I do!  But darn…it isn’t!  I just try to avoid anything that will cause me to remember.  Anything that will cause me to remember those emotions….the sense of loss and pain.  But it’s still there.  There will always be a hole in me.  I will always be incomplete.  I’m trying to make peace with this.

Hey – don’t comment if you are going to tell me that everything will be all right.  I don’t want to hear it.  And, it’s a lie.

15 Thoughts on “Journey through Grief

  1. Amy…
    Just wanted to send you a hug…. {{{AMY}}}

  2. honey ~ in our memories of Joshie it seems like his life wasn’t long enough for the good memories to outweigh the horrific and last memory of our baby alive. I was thinking of him on my way to Yuba City today as I listened to a guy talking about heaven and then on my way home The Bible Answer Man said how we will be at the peak of our potential in heaven, and I realized the only thing that pushes out the unhappiness is the reality of what heaven holds, expecially Joshie. oxm

  3. Continuing to pray for you!

  4. I love you Amy! I like what your Mom wrote. I’ve always wondered when I get to Heaven, what my little brother will be like. Child? Man? Spirit? What form will his new body take? Sad that he missed out on so much in life (but glad that he missed some things). I never thought of him reaching his “peak of potential”…always before that his potential was untapped. This gives me a new perspective. Don’t let the pain pull you under…but throw away yours and others’ expectations of where you *should* be and when it hits, lean harder into him!

  5. I’m so sorry, Amy. Everything you wrote is so familiar to me. I am having the same problems with my memory, it’s a symptom of grief. I just write down as much as I can. Four years is not that long, and yet it is too long.

  6. I’m so sorry for your pain. I have read your blog since back in the Fishbowl
    days and I have wept with you at the loss of Joshua. I just wanted you to know that you
    are held up in prayer by those you know and by those you don’t know. Hopefully it is enough to get you through the bad days.

  7. Amy, thanks for your comment on my blog (I looked for reverse directories, but they cost $$). Oh well.

    After reading your post above, I wish I could say something to comfort you right now. Just know that I want to be your friend and that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you have a good weekend!

  8. Definitely not going to tell you that everything’s going to be all right. As you said, there will always be a hole in your heart. That’s never going to change. And even as the years go by in so many ways the grief gets worse especially as you see everything your other kids are doing and you know Joshie’s not doing them. I lost James 11 1/2 years ago. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, in other ways it seem like yesterday including all the pain. It’s no wonder that seeing that accident caused that reaction…oh Amy, my heart aches so for you! I wish I could take your pain for you! Praying so very hard as yet another Feb.22 comes closer!
    I love the picture these words paint.
    Ps 17:8: Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings

  9. I have no grid for what you are going through Amy, yet I am ALWAYS amazed by you. You are strong, don’t ever believe otherwise. You deal with the pain when others look to bury it…I know that you would probably rather bury it at times but I have seen you continue to face it and Josh. Thank you for your bravery and know that I love you and am changed by your life throught his ordeal…for what that is worth.
    When people tell you things are going to be alright that is more about themselves and their discomfort with the situation.
    Praying for peace for you

  10. Amers – Life can be so cruel to us at times. I will never understand why God chose to put you on this path, but I praise Him for giving you this tool to vent and even explore feelings. I love that you have this outlet. I love that you trust us to pray and uphold your feelings. I love that I can be here for you. I love that we were all able to have time with Joshie. I love that he smiled all the time. I love the memories we have. Thank you for trusting – I promise to not let you down!

  11. Amers – Thank you for trusting us to uphold you! I love you! Thank you Lord for the memories of Joshie! He
    will always be a part of us!!

  12. Sorry, you can delete either comment – We (Brett & I) didn’t think they went through so I did another.

  13. Amy, None of will ever forget Joshie – he was like a ray of sunshine. I remember you in my prayers. I wish there were something to say, but I know there’s not. I love you.

  14. Amy… I’m sorry… I’m crying with you, and wishing I was there to give you a hug.

    Love you

  15. Honey, I so much wish I could take away your pain – I know it plagues you so. Our life together has taken us to some very strange places – some full of joy and some full of much pain. And it’s such a drag that the pain sticks out so much more than the joy – it makes the whole journey seem dark when, in fact, it has been mostly wonderful – especially because you are there. You are a wonderful wife and companion and truly a good mother to our boys. I would agree with Brett, you have a great inner strength – more than you know – and more than you want sometimes. But it is God’s gift to you. Please join me in taking comfort from the fact that God will owe noone anything. When all is said and done, there will be a glorious reward and great joy and peace. Then, everything will be seen as it truly is and God will make our life’s pain “worth it all” with the rest and rewards He will give. It isn’t always very comforting on this side of the veil, but for centuries, believers have comforted one another with those thoughts.
    Please do let me know if I can do ANYTHING to ease the burden of the next few weeks for you in any way. I will do whatever I can. Maybe we should plan to get out of town for a few days?? Any ideas?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Post Navigation