I’ve decided that rather than let this sadness rule my days and my nights – I’m going to jump into it feet first and DEAL with it.Â Not try to ignore it and have it ambush me constantly all day long.Â I will allow myself to feel it – and pray that I can move through it rather quickly and return to – well, not contentment – I’m still content and accept my life.Â But maybe peace.Â A return to peace.
I read C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” after Joshua died and was very blessed.Â I’ve never really understood why though.Â What in the world could I have in common with a man grieving his wife?Â Our grief seems very different.Â Maybe it’s the fact that he was only newly married – had he pined for marriage as I pined for certain aspects to motherhood?
Joshua allowed me to experience the aspects of motherhood that were still denied to me.Â The ability to be in a group of women and discuss the subject that ALWAYS comes up – pregnancy, labor and birth stories and breastfeeding.
It seems the moment we attained those things we had longed for – CS Lewis, marriage and my child – it was gone.Â Could that be why it touched me so much?
So, I’m going to read it again.Â And, maybe some other books that blessed me during that time.Â I’m still knitting but as this blog was created mainly as an outlet for me on my journey through grief – I’m going to focus more on the journey right now.