I’ve decided that rather than let this sadness rule my days and my nights – I’m going to jump into it feet first and DEAL with it.  Not try to ignore it and have it ambush me constantly all day long.  I will allow myself to feel it – and pray that I can move through it rather quickly and return to – well, not contentment – I’m still content and accept my life.  But maybe peace.  A return to peace.
I read C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” after Joshua died and was very blessed.  I’ve never really understood why though.  What in the world could I have in common with a man grieving his wife?  Our grief seems very different.  Maybe it’s the fact that he was only newly married – had he pined for marriage as I pined for certain aspects to motherhood?

Joshua allowed me to experience the aspects of motherhood that were still denied to me.  The ability to be in a group of women and discuss the subject that ALWAYS comes up – pregnancy, labor and birth stories and breastfeeding.

It seems the moment we attained those things we had longed for – CS Lewis, marriage and my child – it was gone.  Could that be why it touched me so much?

So, I’m going to read it again.  And, maybe some other books that blessed me during that time.  I’m still knitting but as this blog was created mainly as an outlet for me on my journey through grief – I’m going to focus more on the journey right now.

2 Thoughts on “A Grief Observed

  1. Amy, you are not alone in your journey. You are in my prayers.

  2. It’s funny that you wrote these posts after I spent my night rocking J and praying to God, please don’t let her stop breathing. 30 some years and the fear is still there. She always scares me with her croup. Each time I have to give her back to Him and give Him my fears and as I pray I feel my heart will explode in my chest, afraid that He will test my words. I have been thinking of reading this book again too. I think the things you mentioned are correct. And I also think there is a fellowship in grieving, in knowing that though noone can understand what you are going through, they can understand the pain. They can understand how the world goes on around you and parts of your life have stopped. They can understand how grief comes from nowhere and fills everywhere when you least expect it. I am proud of you. You are facing your fears. There is a time and place for medicine and that is a decision you need to make, but I think you are also recognizing that nothing will ever take away the pain of losing Joshie in this life, especially not medicine. I am praying for His perfect love to cast out all your fear! Let the tears go. Hold on to your hubby. Keep sharing as you can. This is good, even though it sucks when you are going through it. I am so glad you are a part of my life!

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