This is one of those posts that I’ll write but then wonder if I should post…days later I’ll wonder if I should have posted it…and weeks later wonder if anyone would notice if I delete it.
When we were planning J1’s 13th birthday party, Eric ordered the family crest. I noticed it included the latin words “Pax In Bello“. Knowing a bit of Eric’s family history I knew they were warriors. And, I knew enough Latin to know that Pax is peace. So, that was a bit confusing.
I googled the phrase and found the following:
pax in bello peace in war
I had to stop and consider the concept. It could be that in the midst of war/strife, there can be peace. I know that is true. But it could also be there is a battle for peace. And, boy do I know that to be true.
For as long as I’ve called myself an adult, the enemy of my soul has worked hard to make sure I believe I’m not good enough, not adequate to the task, not acceptable, not as good as _____.
During Seminary, I had to realize that comparing myself to others was a waste of time and energy. I had to accept who I was and who I wasn’t. At some point, I came to peace with who I was in ministry. I became comfortable with my role.
Then I struggled with infertility. I started comparing myself to other women. I was deficient. To be honest, even after adopting and giving birth…I still battle at times with peace in this area.
Homeschooling is another area where comparing myself to others is a bad idea. And, added to it is the comparison of my boys to other children. My head knows this is a waste of time and fruitless. The blessing of home school is that I can create a specialized education for each of my children. I’m not educating the neighbors’ children. I’m educating them. I can trust God to help me meet the special needs of my boys and I’m blessed to have many resources so I’m not alone.
And though I gain victory in some areas for awhile, it is still a battle. Will it always be a battle? Will I never gain contentment and be able to stay there? Am I foolish to think that it’s attainable here on earth?
I can’t tell you how many times I cry out to the Lord for just a few moments of peace. Not just quiet (though as a mom of boys – you know I’d love a bit of that too! 😉 but contentment. No striving for the next thing. Not wishing I had something that I don’t. Not worrying about what will happen and when it will happen.
I know in the next few days the struggle for peace will be harder than ever. My head knows that we are looking at another delay – maybe even 3 to 6 mos at the least. My heart struggles to accept that. And, my heart knows that another anniversary is coming – one I wish I could block out. It’s almost been 5 years. How in the world have I made it this far? It feels a bit dishonorable that I am doing as well as I am.
I don’t want to burden my family and local friends with my lack of peace, so I turn to you all again. I know there are prayer warriors praying for me. I know the Spirit moves you to pray for me when I feel most alone. Maybe I should say my head knows these things. My heart is feeling alone. And, yes, I know how twisted that is – I know I’m alone because I’m hiding my emotions. But I’m afraid that if I try to talk about them, the emotions will overwhelm me. It’s that darn box again. If I’m going to be able to continue the things I need to do to keep the family going, I need to govern my emotions.
Wow – I’m rambling. Forgive me. But it feels better to get some of the emotions out – and journaling has never let me down!