I’ve been proud – yes, that horrible word is the only one that fits – that I’ve handled Joshie’s death as well as I have. But to be honest, I’m not handling it well. One thing I continue to struggle with is guilt. I could make you a long list of things I feel guilty about regarding Joshie’s short life and death. But if I’m honest, I have to say that I did my best.

And, the thing I feel most guilty about is that it wasn’t good enough.

Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough?
How do I face each day?
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children?
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again!

And, yet, as I type these questions and the tears are rolling down my face – I hear the answer: God.

Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough? God
How do I face each day? God will hold me up
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children? God will lead me with His wisdom
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again! God will give me the love for that child and the strength to face whatever happens.

Father, I praise you for the way you’ve comforted me during this time – please don’t leave me! Please give me strength for this day – to raise the other children – to attend to their studies – to show them that it is ok to be sad, but that You are still my joy! Thank you for the wonderful books that you’ve inspired to be written so that I could process my emotions. Thank you for friends and for those who I don’t know who’ve let me know that my honest has helped them. Thank you for allowing me to have an outlet to express these honest emotions in such a safe environment!

Please help me to remember where my refuge is and to make the time to come before you!

Amen

I’ve been thinking so much about this new perspective I have on life. It’s much more an “eternal” perspective. So much doesn’t matter now. Things I’ve fretted over and spent alot of time on – they are just not that important. I am joyful over the fact that this world of pain and heartbreak is NOT MY HOME! And, remember those treasures we are promised in Heaven? I imagine those to be my children, Lord willing, who will be there with my praising my Lord and King. THAT will be a wonderful day!!

Father,
You’ve decided in your Sovereign will that I am to stay on this earth awhile longer. And, I want to thank you for that responsibility. But you know that my heart has a chunk missing. Please heal me and give me a new heart so that I can minister to my family as I need to today and for all the remaining days.
Thank you that You’ve told us enough about Heaven to know that Joshie is in the best place possible. Help me to be able to say, like Eric, that I wouldn’t change that for anything. Because you know in my heart that I am selfish enough to have him leave perfection for more time with me.
Please be with J1 who has a fever today – and J2 who so wants to learn to read, but doesn’t want to do the work (sigh) – and J3 who just wants to play all day. Give me strength to keep up with them.
Father, the children are rising and my day must start….please order my day so it might glorify You!
Amen

Time continues….life continues.

Will I always have this hole in my life? Will it always hurt to see Joshie’s pictures? Oh, I hope not.

We got away for a few days. I took this journal but Eric and I talked so much there was nothing left to write. It was a good time. I didn’t even realize the significance of the 22nd until the day. Was that a gift from God?

Today I was reading “Dare to trust, Dare to hope again” and she shared the following prayer:
“Creator God, you are sovereign; you know each day of my loved one’s life before he was born. Thank you for adding them to my life so that I could love him. I’ll never forget him.”
I miss Joshua so much…but I need to be grateful that he was in my life at all.

Father, you know the sadness in my heart. The longing to cradle my baby again…to rub my lips across his soft hair and nibble his fingers to hear his laughter. Please give me strength to face this day without those joys.
Please help me enjoy those in my life. Please help me to care for my children and strengthn me as I struggle to meet their needs and help them face their own grief.
Father, I’m leaning back on your strength. Please surround me with your love and help me see my life with that ‘eternal perspective’ that I’m trying to cultivate.
Amen

am writing with some very terrible news – mostly because at a time like this, you need all the prayers you can get. Our son Joshua (8 months) died Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. at the Sutter Davis Hospital in Davis (the town next door to Woodland where we live). He had contracted RSV and Friday started having profound breathing difficulties. He saw the doctor Friday but didn’t respond very well to any treatment. We were told to keep an eye on him, keep doing what we were doing and wait out the RSV virus. Early Saturday morning, after 24 hours or so of such labored breathing, we decided to take him to the emergency room to see if perhaps they couldn’t pursue a little more agressive treatment to give him some relief. They immediately intubated him (his blood oxygen levels were in the 40’s) and he seemed to be stabilizing. They were going to transfer him to a pediatric specialty wing in their Sacramento hospital when his blood oxygen levels plummeted and soon after that, his heart rate began to drop. Eventually his heart stopped altogether and would not respond to any treatment.

It was the hardest thing in the world to leave our baby at that hospital that afternoon. It still doesn’t seem real – I can still hear his crying and feel his cheek against mine. But he is with the Lord now. And the hole in our hearts is like a giant chasm.

Please pray that God would sustain us and comfort us in this time of grief. Without Him, it seems to hard to bear. We will miss Joshua so much!

Thank you for praying.

Eric, for Amy