{"id":28,"date":"2003-07-03T08:41:00","date_gmt":"2003-07-03T15:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28"},"modified":"2003-07-03T08:41:00","modified_gmt":"2003-07-03T15:41:00","slug":"struggling-with-guilt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28","title":{"rendered":"Struggling with guilt"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I&#8217;ve not been able to post to this journal because unless I shared what I was struggling with&#8230;.then the purpose of this journal is a joke.  Did you even know I had a purpose? LOL  Well, I do!  I want to share my heart &#8211; my journey back to joy after losing Josh.  It&#8217;s like cheap therapy for me.  And, I&#8217;m gotten some great feedback from people who are faithful to read this or just happen upon this journey&#8217;s journal.<\/p>\n<p>So, here is what I&#8217;ve been struggling with&#8230;.the last thing I said to Josh was that it was all going to be alright.  But it wasn&#8217;t!  And, I can just see him looking up at me while I took off his soft white jammies.  He just looked at me in that way he did &#8211; like he could see into my heart.  And, then a doctor grabbed him and soon it was all over.  I didn&#8217;t take care of him &#8211; it wasn&#8217;t all right!  I&#8217;ve been torturing myself with this memory and the guilt of &#8230;. well, everything.  \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n<p>I finally told my husband what I&#8217;ve been dealing with and he reminded me that the Drs and coroner said he was in perfect health other than the RSV and pneumonia&#8230;he wanted me to know that we did everything we could.  And, I know that.  I know it was a freak incident and that everyone did everything they could\/should\/would have done.  But my baby is still dead&#8230;and a Mommy is supposed to take care of babies!  Babies aren&#8217;t supposed to die anymore!  <\/p>\n<p>Well, I&#8217;m now puddling everywhere and my boys are very worried about me.  I could say more&#8230;but until the Lord gives me release from this, it won&#8217;t edify anyone so maybe I should just shut up.<\/p>\n<p>Things to remember&#8230;.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230; when Josh died he got &#8216;instant eternity&#8217; &#8212; no more pain, no grief, no chance to refuse the gift of eternal life.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230; this life I&#8217;m living is just going to be a short time compared to the eternity I will have with my Lord.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230; Time + Conflict = Change (thanks to Beth Moore for this equation) &#8211; Through this conflict\/trial added to time, I&#8217;m going to be changing (Lord willing) into a better servant for Him.<\/p>\n<p>Grief is so wearying&#8230;please pray for me!<\/p>\n<div class=\"sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled\"><div class=\"robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-official sd-sharing\"><h3 class=\"sd-title\">Share this:<\/h3><div class=\"sd-content\"><ul><li class=\"share-facebook\"><div class=\"fb-share-button\" data-href=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" data-layout=\"button_count\"><\/div><\/li><li class=\"share-pinterest\"><div class=\"pinterest_button\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.pinterest.com\/pin\/create\/button\/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2F%3Fp%3D28&#038;media=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F10%2Fcropped-poppy-150x150.jpg&#038;description=Struggling%20with%20guilt\" data-pin-do=\"buttonPin\" data-pin-config=\"beside\"><img src=\"\/\/assets.pinterest.com\/images\/pidgets\/pinit_fg_en_rect_gray_20.png\" \/><\/a><\/div><\/li><li class=\"share-twitter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/share\" class=\"twitter-share-button\" data-url=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" data-text=\"Struggling with guilt\" data-via=\"Knitnmom\" >Tweet<\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-tumblr\"><a class=\"tumblr-share-button\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tumblr.com\/share\" data-title=\"Struggling with guilt\" data-content=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" title=\"Share on Tumblr\"data-posttype=\"link\">Share on Tumblr<\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-print\"><a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" data-shared=\"\" class=\"share-print sd-button\" href=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"Click to print\" ><span>Print<\/span><\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#\" class=\"sharing-anchor sd-button share-more\"><span>More<\/span><\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-end\"><\/li><\/ul><div class=\"sharing-hidden\"><div class=\"inner\" style=\"display: none;width:150px;\"><ul style=\"background-image:none;\"><li class=\"share-email\"><a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" data-shared=\"\" class=\"share-email sd-button\" href=\"mailto:?subject=%5BShared%20Post%5D%20Struggling%20with%20guilt&body=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2F%3Fp%3D28&share=email\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"Click to email a link to a friend\" data-email-share-error-title=\"Do you have email set up?\" data-email-share-error-text=\"If you&#039;re having problems sharing via email, you might not have email set up for your browser. 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It&#8217;s like <span class=\"ellipsis\">&hellip;<\/span> <span class=\"more-link-wrap\"><a href=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" class=\"more-link\"><span>Read More &rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled\"><div class=\"robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-official sd-sharing\"><h3 class=\"sd-title\">Share this:<\/h3><div class=\"sd-content\"><ul><li class=\"share-facebook\"><div class=\"fb-share-button\" data-href=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" data-layout=\"button_count\"><\/div><\/li><li class=\"share-pinterest\"><div class=\"pinterest_button\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.pinterest.com\/pin\/create\/button\/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2F%3Fp%3D28&#038;media=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F10%2Fcropped-poppy-150x150.jpg&#038;description=Struggling%20with%20guilt\" data-pin-do=\"buttonPin\" data-pin-config=\"beside\"><img src=\"\/\/assets.pinterest.com\/images\/pidgets\/pinit_fg_en_rect_gray_20.png\" \/><\/a><\/div><\/li><li class=\"share-twitter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/share\" class=\"twitter-share-button\" data-url=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" data-text=\"Struggling with guilt\" data-via=\"Knitnmom\" >Tweet<\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-tumblr\"><a class=\"tumblr-share-button\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.tumblr.com\/share\" data-title=\"Struggling with guilt\" data-content=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" title=\"Share on Tumblr\"data-posttype=\"link\">Share on Tumblr<\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-print\"><a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" data-shared=\"\" class=\"share-print sd-button\" href=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"Click to print\" ><span>Print<\/span><\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#\" class=\"sharing-anchor sd-button share-more\"><span>More<\/span><\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-end\"><\/li><\/ul><div class=\"sharing-hidden\"><div class=\"inner\" style=\"display: none;width:150px;\"><ul style=\"background-image:none;\"><li class=\"share-email\"><a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" data-shared=\"\" class=\"share-email sd-button\" href=\"mailto:?subject=%5BShared%20Post%5D%20Struggling%20with%20guilt&body=http%3A%2F%2Fosbornz.net%2Famy%2F%3Fp%3D28&share=email\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"Click to email a link to a friend\" data-email-share-error-title=\"Do you have email set up?\" data-email-share-error-text=\"If you&#039;re having problems sharing via email, you might not have email set up for your browser. You may need to create a new email yourself.\" data-email-share-nonce=\"b17fb5e157\" data-email-share-track-url=\"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=28&amp;share=email\"><span>Email<\/span><\/a><\/li><li class=\"share-end\"><\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5KjO-s","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15377,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=15377","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":0},"title":"What&#039;s this? Oh just my struggling reader reading the Wall Street Journal!! #success #hardworker #fasd","date":"November 15, 2019","format":"image","excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family Life&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":38,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=38","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":1},"title":"More Guilt","date":"July 31, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"I've been plagued with guilt off and on since losing Josh. And, it's been hitting me hard again...we try so hard to do what is right and bad things still happen.I struggled and struggled to breastfeed Josh - he was my only birth child and the only one for whom\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Grieving&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2435,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=2435","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":2},"title":"Our Adoption Story &#8211; Part 5","date":"March 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Part1 :: Part 2 :: Part 3 :: Part 4 :: Wow, it has been a loooong time since I started these posts.\u00c2\u00a0 Finally I've found some time to write more!\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Ok, where did we leave off?\u00c2\u00a0 I think it was Jan 2, 2001 - J1's sixth birthday.\u00c2\u00a0 J2 was\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family Life&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":341,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=341","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":3},"title":"Well, Duh!","date":"March 23, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"I was driving in my car today - where I do my best thinking ;) (well, absolute best thinking is when I'm knitting - but driving is right up there!) Anyway....I was driving in my car and wondering WHY I was having such a hard time recently. Normally I think\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Grieving&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":523,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=523","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":4},"title":"How grief affects all of us","date":"January 23, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Today, J2 and I are relaxing in the living room after school and chores. I'm knitting and listening to a knitting podcast and he is watching some cartoon on the tv. He turns to me and says, \"Mom, if Josh was still alive and we could get that stone, it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family Life&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":415,"url":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=415","url_meta":{"origin":28,"position":5},"title":"I always struggled with titles &#8211; even in grade school &#8211; too much pressure! lol","date":"September 21, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"I've been struggling with lots of pressures over the past few days.....you mommies know how it goes...I can either be a good housekeeper or a good mommy or a well, that's about all I can juggle.\u00c2\u00a0 However, there are other things that pull at me - like being a knitter,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family Life&quot;","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=28"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=28"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=28"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=28"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}