{"id":283,"date":"2005-11-23T16:37:42","date_gmt":"2005-11-23T23:37:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=283"},"modified":"2005-11-23T16:37:42","modified_gmt":"2005-11-23T23:37:42","slug":"just-when-you-think-you-are-stronger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=283","title":{"rendered":"Just when you think you are stronger"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was looking for a specific picture of our family to post online – and I ended up looking at the pictures I have in a folder of Joshie – and now I’m just a mess again. I try not to look at the pictures of him in our house. I can’t even dust them. It took a huge compromise on my behalf to even let DH put them up. Now I’ve trained my eyes to look but not see. <\/p>\n

Wow, if that’s not denial I don’t know what is! I’m not getting better, I’m just getting better at not dealing with it. I’m afraid one of these days I’m just going to have a complete breakdown when it all comes tumbling down.<\/p>\n

And, yet….I know he’s gone. I grieve his loss almost daily. Everything I do is peppered by the fact that someone is missing. To lose a child is horrible, but to lose a child at that stage of life…..where I was his main sustanence and caretaker. It took weeks for me to quit waking at night to feed him. <\/p>\n

Holidays are hard because the family gets together but part of my family is gone. Everyone moves on with their life, no matter how close they were to him. There are new babies to coo over. There are new traditions started that he’ll never know. And sometimes the truth that we will be reunited is pale to the fact that he is not here now. That I’ve been robbed of the joy of watching him grow up.<\/p>\n

I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. Maybe that is what faith is – not understanding but you continue on anyway. Maybe it’s not that simple but for me to continue to live….to continue to trust the Lord…it’s taking so much of me. <\/p>\n

Edited to add – please don’t think I’m falling apart – I’m just processing my grief. Better to get it out than to keep it in. The one thing I’ve noticed is that people are so uncomfortable with other people’s grief that they want them to get medication or ‘see someone’. Grief just sucks and takes time! As my DH’s grandpa used to say, “It will feel better when it quits hurting” – somethings just take time.<\/em><\/p>\n

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