{"id":526,"date":"2007-01-25T09:29:50","date_gmt":"2007-01-25T16:29:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=526"},"modified":"2007-01-25T09:29:50","modified_gmt":"2007-01-25T16:29:50","slug":"first-line","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/osbornz.net\/amy\/?p=526","title":{"rendered":"First Line"},"content":{"rendered":"

I put much weight on the first line in books. They can tell me a lot about a book, about the author and whether or not I’m going to be able to enjoy it. Some of my favorite are:<\/p>\n

“When Mary Lennox was sent to Misselthwaite Manor to live with her uncle everybody said she was the most disagreeable-looking child ever seen.<\/em>” The Secret Garden<\/u> by Frances Hodges Burnett<\/p>\n

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.<\/em>” The Hobbit<\/u> by J.R.R. Tolkien<\/p>\n

“My bodyguard was mowing the yard wearing her pink bikini when the man fell from the sky.<\/em>” Dead Over Heels<\/u> by Charlaine Harris LOL \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

“A Grief Observed<\/u>” also has a great first line that resonates with me…<\/p>\n

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.<\/em>“<\/p>\n

As I watched Joshua be worked on by the E.R. team I stared to draw into myself. I started to breath shallowly and pray (oh God, oh God, oh God). A part of me that was outside – observing everything including myself – thought how much this felt like fear. And, the feeling continued for days…maybe months. I withdrew into myself much as I do when I’m scared. I didn’t want to allow anyone else to see my fear or do anything to me that might cause more fear. I gathered my children close and didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I had trouble leaving my children with anyone. Still to this day I have the irrational thought that if they are with us nothing can happen to them…and my own life tells me this is a lie. But I keep them close to me and beg God to let me keep them safe.<\/p>\n

Last week when I saw the accident – I started to feel the fear and panic again. I realized that it’s still there – buried under errands, homework, parenting, work and the ever present laundry. Have I really not moved so far along my grief journey? Is it just buried under life? Will it expose itself one of these days in a way I can not control it?<\/p>\n

Everyone comments on my cold lately. Why can’t I just tell them that I cry almost all day long? Don’t I have the right to cry? Can’t I admit to myself that I am sad and that it is acceptable? Am I afraid they will push pills on me again to ease their discomfort? Or am I just unwilling to share my pain with anyone.<\/p>\n

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