I was watching Pirates 3 with my boys a few days ago. At one point a storm comes up in the middle of the ocean and it creates a maelstrom. If you’ve never seen one, a maelstrom is a large, swirling whirlpool. It is very powerful. It was stunning.
This morning I found I was CCed on a letter between the foster mom and caseworker. I was never addressed myself, so it felt like maybe I was (at best) an afterthought or (worse yet) not even supposed to get this email. It seems pretty strange.
I guess it was her way of updating us on what is happening…or maybe it’s the only way I’m allowed to get information now (she’s still never written me back or replied to any of my other emails so far). This feels like I was sent someone else’s mail. I want to know this information but I wish someone was talking to me. I feel like a nonentity. I feel like I’m to perpetually keep my life in limbo – ready at any moment to take on this child, but kept at a distance until they need me.
Am I willing to do this? How long will I play this game by their rules? How long will I let them throw me into this emotional maelstrom?
If I try to keep an emotional distance – then I worry I won’t be able to bond with this child.
If I allow myself to bond now – I risk more pain and chaos.
