Our weekend – more grieving

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Eric said today that he believes our loss of Josh is something that will always be there – just below the surface and able to come up whenever it gets bumped. This weekend it got bumped.

Saturday we went to another memorial service. Another good friend – an awesome Christian – lost her battle with cancer. I don’t grieve for Nancy – she is much better off – but I grieve for those of us who are left behind. Her husband and her children will always miss her – and time doesn’t help. And knowing that she is with our Saviour doesn’t help. I guess I’m just too selfish – I want them to be with ME!

Then today before Sunday School a new friend wanted us to know that she was working at the hospital where Josh died on the night he died. She didn’t know us then of course, but she started to put things together as she got to know us. She obviously wanted to talk about that night (well, we think of it as morning, but that is how she put it) and we obliged her – but then all during Sunday school I just felt dead. And I realized I’m never going to “get over this”. Time does NOT heal a wound like this. Maybe I’ll get better at hiding the pain – but I better get used to this pain…I think we are going to have a lifelong relationship.

Now I know there will be some who read this post and pity me because I’m not being “joyful in the Lord”. Don’t get me wrong – there IS joy in my life. I’m no longer ruled by this pain. But I’m realizing that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.

Job 1:21b “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

On a happy note – I got a treat from my new secret pal at church! A gift certificate for JoAnns! What a great pal!! So this afternoon I treated myself to some black microspun yarn and I’m going to knit a stole that I can wear with almost anything and it will be nice enough for church! Bless you Secret Pal – you’ve been a blessing to me!!

I need…

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I had intended to do this yesterday when I saw it on Theresa’s blog – then again when I saw Roe’s Blog – and when I saw it on Sara’s blog I knew I had no choice! I’m such a joiner!! lol

What you do is google your name and needs – as in “Amy needs”. Here are mine:

1) Amy Needs Help!!! (well, that sure sums it up!)
2) Amy needs a drug-dealer’s testimony to free a teenager wrongfully accused of murder. (Thanking God my life is no where near THAT interesting!!)
3) Amy needs a flu shot – like really really needs a flu shot. (Did my DH write that one??? We were JUST discussing that very thing!)
4) Amy needs to lead an active life (Amen! I’m trying – this 5:30am walking thing is turning out to be better than I thought)
5) Amy needs to either wake up or start getting some extra will-power! (ok, this one just made me laugh)
6) Amy needs to decide if this fits her idea of a good relationship (If we are talking about my marriage – it’s already decided – it’s a good thing! 😉
7) Amy needs a loving, committed family who will provide structure and stability and have the ability to understand her growing process (Amen & Amen!)
8) Amy needs to generate schemas for these documents because schemas are more powerful that DTDs and are the recommended way of describing XML documents. … (huh?!?)
9) Amy needs to hit the sack (well, I’d go, but it’s only 4:30)
10) Amy needs to take off (I kid you not, it was the last thing I found! LOL)

Please let me know if you add your needs to your blog!

LOL for the day

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You all know I work for a Homeschool Magazine, right? If not be sure to check out The Old Schoolhouse Magazine’s website. Anyway, the Editor and the Publisher are sisters – Gena & Jen – and they crack me up! Today is a great day to check out their blogs!

Start at Jen’s blog and then click on the banner Gena stuck on Jen’s blog to her own blog — and then wait about 1 min for a good laugh and a quick return to Jen’s blog! You’ll love it! Fun way to start the week!

Looking at the weekend

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I just got home from two days at my sister and brother-in-law’s house watching my nephew (8) and my niece (6). Tomorrow DH, J1 & J2 are all headed to the local Renaissance Faire – DH plays Humphrey Gray, the village’s schoolmaster and the boys play his pupils. He actually teaches a couple of times to expose the visitors to what a school experience might be back then.

Tomorrow night I will be headed to the HeartChange “Stretch” workshop. Alumni are encouraged to come attend and help celebrate. My sister and my MIL are both attending – I can’t wait to hear what they think of the experience!! 🙂

And, then Sunday we are headed back to our new church – we will be talking to the deacons after church about membership. And, we are both looking forward to the next Sunday School class – we are attending a class on “Understanding the Catholic Church”. This week will be the first of two on Church history.

Well, DH’s homeschool astronomy class starts in a bit, I’d better get the kitchen cleaned up – ah, it’s good to be home! 🙂

Struggling with Homeschooling

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Today I’ve been struggling. I’ve been thinking that DH didn’t want me to homeschool the boys – grudgling agreeing to let me continue HSing J2 because of his need to go slower than a classroom would allow him. Our oldest is in DH’s classroom – and loves it – and we are having so many clashes that Dh and I felt that it was best for him to be under his dad’s mentorship more right now. Anyway, I assumed he wanted J3 to go to the school’s kindergarten and I was being quiet and trying to be submissive …. but really I was just pouting.

But last night I mentioned to him how I feel disconnected from our local HS group because I don’t have his support. To say he was shocked was an understatement. I was assuming something that he hadn’t said and he was thinking this is what I wanted. And, it gave me pause. Do I want to HS J3? Do I feel I can do it? Will I be faithful? Will I be able to manage two children? Anyway, I just generally have been freaking out this morning and trying to get my head and heart lined up.

Then I recalled an exchange I had with my mom this morning. She sent me this email (Ozzie is Oswald Chambers):

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might. Ecclesiastes 9:10 …and Ozzie says, “We have no right to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for. Wherever He puts us, our great aim is to pour out a whole hearted devotion to Him in that particular work.

Which made me think of a favorite verse, so I replied:

And, we can take comfort in the fact that He will equip us – “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezk 36:26)

But I was not applying it to my day! About 5 mins ago I realized how this applied to my recent troubled mind! What a dolt I can be!! So, if you are a friend of mine, I would definitely appreciate your prayers for me – I need a new heart. I need to remember why HS is a joy and that this time with my boys can be enjoyed! Thanking GOD I don’t have to walk this path alone!!