Author Archives: Osbornz

I’ve been in a funk. There is no reason I should be in a funk. It’s not February….it’s not May (Josh’s birth month)…the sun is shining….things are growing…each day holds potential.

And, maybe that’s part of the problem. I struggle with wanting to go forward and knowing that part of me is forever rooted in February 22, 2003. No matter what…my life is different. I will never be the person I was going to be. I’ll never life the life I was going to live.

You know – right after Josh died I wanted to get a tattoo. Something permanent to help me remember him. Now I can laugh at that (just a little 😉 because I know there is something permanent – and I will never forget him. I can’t ever tell you what that something is…it just is ‘something’. It’s the new way I look at things. It’s the way I can’t look at family photographs and wonder where he would be in the picture – figure out how old he’d be on that date – try to picture him there. It’s the way I feel like I am missing something all the time – that I’ve misplaced something and I can’t find it. These things have permanently marked me in a way a tatoo never could.

I’m not the same… and I will never forget.

I’ve not wanted to write here….cause I hate bringing you down. But this is MY place to write, MY place to vent and I need to let off some of the pressure.

I feel like I’ve put my grieving into a box and the lid stays on it except for those days when I am strong enough to wear it again or those days when the lid just bursts off and I can’t do anything else but wear my grief.

Writing about my grief has given me a chance to peek into the box without overwhelming me with all of it. I have the opportunity to look at it in a way that I can handle. But since I’ve joined some knitting rings, I’ve felt like I needed to have more ‘normal’ content. But now I realize how much I need to write…how much the pressure of the contents of my box screams for attention.

I won’t be offended if you don’t read my blog – but if I don’t have an outlet for this crap – It’s going to overtake my life. And, I can’t afford to do that. My other boys are very loving and understanding, but they deserve a sane mommy. A mommy who can attend to their needs and doesn’t stay in bed all the time. A mommy who they don’t have to worry about….I never want them to question if I loved them so little that I didn’t try to keep going for their sake.