Struggling with guilt

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I’ve not been able to post to this journal because unless I shared what I was struggling with….then the purpose of this journal is a joke. Did you even know I had a purpose? LOL Well, I do! I want to share my heart – my journey back to joy after losing Josh. It’s like cheap therapy for me. And, I’m gotten some great feedback from people who are faithful to read this or just happen upon this journey’s journal.

So, here is what I’ve been struggling with….the last thing I said to Josh was that it was all going to be alright. But it wasn’t! And, I can just see him looking up at me while I took off his soft white jammies. He just looked at me in that way he did – like he could see into my heart. And, then a doctor grabbed him and soon it was all over. I didn’t take care of him – it wasn’t all right! I’ve been torturing myself with this memory and the guilt of …. well, everything. 🙁

I finally told my husband what I’ve been dealing with and he reminded me that the Drs and coroner said he was in perfect health other than the RSV and pneumonia…he wanted me to know that we did everything we could. And, I know that. I know it was a freak incident and that everyone did everything they could/should/would have done. But my baby is still dead…and a Mommy is supposed to take care of babies! Babies aren’t supposed to die anymore!

Well, I’m now puddling everywhere and my boys are very worried about me. I could say more…but until the Lord gives me release from this, it won’t edify anyone so maybe I should just shut up.

Things to remember….

… when Josh died he got ‘instant eternity’ — no more pain, no grief, no chance to refuse the gift of eternal life.

… this life I’m living is just going to be a short time compared to the eternity I will have with my Lord.

… Time + Conflict = Change (thanks to Beth Moore for this equation) – Through this conflict/trial added to time, I’m going to be changing (Lord willing) into a better servant for Him.

Grief is so wearying…please pray for me!

Busy, busy

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Last night and today I’ve been working on the webpage for the Woodland Area Christain Home Educators and very proud of what I accomplished! However, only members can access the work I’ve done — so why am I telling you this? Cause I’m still proud of it! LOL

I’m also working on updating Eric’s section of the website – found some neat graphic sets for him – I’ll post the link when it’s ready to be viewed.

On the downside, I found out I was not pregnant (why do I do this to myself)…and maybe it’s an upside since I’m not sure what the hormones would do to me with the grief that I am experiencing still. DH watched a video tape from Thanksgiving that Abby & Susan (BIL & SIL) gave us that features quite a bit of Josh – sleeping on Grandma O, babbling, crying, playing with Grammy. I thought I wanted to watch it but it was so hard I had to get away from it. The video is very good quality and I’m so thankful for it. But I wanted to hold him so much. It just doesn’t seem fair at times. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone….but I wish….oh, how I wish….that it wasn’t us that this happened to! 🙁

ToDo

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Ok y’all – I need accountability! Here is what I need to do to get my website back up and running smoothly. In no particular order:

Update Joshie’s memorial page – adding letters excerpts, DHs email and Joshie’s picture

Update J1, J2 & J3’s pages – photos?? security??

Check all internal links are working properly

Check all external links are working properly

Start work on updating pages for Kitchen and uploading

Find all membership plaques and get uploaded

Update Website Mommie buddy pages

Updated ‘Our Story’ page

Happy Anniversary

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Most people reading this blog know that many years ago, when I first got online, I was a pastor’s wife who was desperately lonely. And, so I started an email list called, PastorsWives. Though I’m no longer apart of the email list or the website, much of my heart is still there with those ladies.

Today, I was send the following link via email: Celebrating the 5th Anniversary of PastorsWives – It’s so great to realize I had a part in this!

Cooking with my sister

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My sister and I are a great team – she is the baker and I’m the cleaner! LOL Today Beth and her kids came over for lunch and to visit – gosh, I wished she lived closer so it could happen more often! But at least we are within two hours of each other! Anyway, after lunch, we made some Rice Crispy Treats. And, we had an epiphany! As I’m demanding that we count out 80 marshmellows – we realized that maybe I don’t like to cook because I don’t let myself enjoy it! LOL

Actually I do like to cook – once I’m comfortable with the recipe. But otherwise I worry too much and stress out! So, we had a good time and lots of laughs! It was a good memory.

Too tired to write more! ‘Night all!