I was watching Pirates 3 with my boys a few days ago. At one point a storm comes up in the middle of the ocean and it creates a maelstrom. If you’ve never seen one, a maelstrom is a large, swirling whirlpool. It is very powerful. It was stunning.
This morning I found I was CCed on a letter between the foster mom and caseworker. I was never addressed myself, so it felt like maybe I was (at best) an afterthought or (worse yet) not even supposed to get this email. It seems pretty strange.
I guess it was her way of updating us on what is happening…or maybe it’s the only way I’m allowed to get information now (she’s still never written me back or replied to any of my other emails so far). This feels like I was sent someone else’s mail. I want to know this information but I wish someone was talking to me. I feel like a nonentity. I feel like I’m to perpetually keep my life in limbo – ready at any moment to take on this child, but kept at a distance until they need me.
Am I willing to do this? How long will I play this game by their rules? How long will I let them throw me into this emotional maelstrom?
If I try to keep an emotional distance – then I worry I won’t be able to bond with this child.
If I allow myself to bond now – I risk more pain and chaos.
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What would I do without you all and your prayers! Each comment and email is such an encouragement. My friend, Ruth, IMed me and convinced me that her 21 yr old could be the substitute teacher this afternoon and we went to lunch. Getting out of the house, eating out, visiting a yarn store and a tea store – it really helped!
Between the IM from Ruth and her arrival, I got a call from the OR caseworker. There was a meeting today – but due to confidentiality issues, I don’t want to share too much. Bottom line is that they will take the case before a judge in late January. Not what I wanted – I was hoping she would be here before Christmas – but just knowing what is going on was such a balm to my soul!
And, it sounds like there are lots of testing/therapies that are going to be necessary in the next few months. To be honest, the foster mom – who I believe was a nurse – is probably her best advocate for all that is needed right now.
I’m no longer in limbo land…and I’m very grateful. Thank you all for being with me through all of this!
