Thank you … again!

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What would I do without you all and your prayers! Each comment and email is such an encouragement. My friend, Ruth, IMed me and convinced me that her 21 yr old could be the substitute teacher this afternoon and we went to lunch. Getting out of the house, eating out, visiting a yarn store and a tea store – it really helped!

Between the IM from Ruth and her arrival, I got a call from the OR caseworker. There was a meeting today – but due to confidentiality issues, I don’t want to share too much. Bottom line is that they will take the case before a judge in late January. Not what I wanted – I was hoping she would be here before Christmas – but just knowing what is going on was such a balm to my soul!

And, it sounds like there are lots of testing/therapies that are going to be necessary in the next few months. To be honest, the foster mom – who I believe was a nurse – is probably her best advocate for all that is needed right now.

I’m no longer in limbo land…and I’m very grateful. Thank you all for being with me through all of this!

Bad dreams

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I’m still in this funk.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been plagued by bad dreams the last few nights.  Horrible dreams where I believe that Joshua is alive, but I’ve misplaced him.  I can’t quite remember where he is – but I’m sure that he isn’t really dead.  I’m worried that people will find out that I can’t find him so I don’t tell anyone.  And, in my dream, no one even remembers him so why would I tell them my worries anyway?

I understand why I dream.  I just wish I could leave them when I awake.  When I wake up then I have to deal with all the emotions that are in the dream.  Anger, fear, sadness.

Argh

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The conversation I just heard….

J3 (singing) “Joshie, Joshie, Joshie”

J2 (singing back) (well, he sang back Princess’ chosen name)

J3 “Joshua is gone. He’s dead.”

J2 “Yeah.”

J3 “Who do you love, Josh or Princess?

J2 “Joshua”

Argh – just the mention of one of those names is enough to upset me. And, now they are singing their names?!?! :(  Can I never get a break! :(  Yes, I’m grumpy – want to make something of it?!?!  😉

I’m not giving up Hope…

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…but I’ve taken down the crib. There is nothing sadder than an empty crib. I’ve boxed up the blankets. Shoved the early gifts from well-intended family members into drawers. If the boys ask I have the convenient excuse that Grammy needs to borrow the crib – Bless You Grammy!

I don’t know anything new. I haven’t heard from anyone in at least two weeks. I pray Princess is still safely in the same foster family – but I don’t even know that for sure.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

 

Feeling better, thank you!

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The worst of the emotional storm seems to have passed.  I wish I had more to say, but all this grief work is truly exhausting.  It seems to suck my energy like nothing else!  I’ve been very blessed by all your comments and emails!  I pray I can bless you in return someday!