Category Archives: Grieving

ANGEL FIRE

I never knew the dusk could seem so sad,
An empty aching in my soul.
In this bright hour I speak your name in the wind,
The shining world outlasts us all.

Even the mountains seem to know you’re gone,
The foothills shimmer where they stand.
The sky is still and much too beautiful,
And I am missing you again.

Lift me over the San Gabriels,
Leaning into the southern sky,
The foothills burning in the afterglow,
And angel fire passing by.

I think of songs I might have sung to you,
The love I wanted you to hear.
Every time the blazing sun goes down
Another promise disappears.

I never knew the dusk could break my heart,
So much longing folding in.
I’d give years away to have you here,
You know I can’t lose you again.

Lift me over the San Gabriels,
Leaning into the southern sky.
A flight of angels must be in the wind,
I know they’ll pass this way tonight.

Help me remember the San Gabriels
The foothills burning in the light
Let my heart rise up to where you are
I long to be with you tonight.

Having a hard couple of days – this song, by Fernando Ortega always speaks to my soul.

Today is three years since we lost Joshua. To be honest, there are no words.

I chose to change my view and asked my mom, brother and sil to go to the beach — I’ll post pictures tomorrow probably.

Thank you to those who emailed me and let me know you were praying for our family this day. They were felt.

I’m on day 85 of A Season of Grief – 365 daily devotions to help you through the grieving process!

It is fascinating to me how right on these devotionals are!! How helpful! Today was on regret…man, does that hit me where I live. Here is what it said today:

Regret
Day 85

Regret is a strong emotion you will likely encounter during grief. Perhaps you have regrets over things you wish you had said or done while your loved one was still alive. A frequent thought might be, If only I had . . .

You are not alone, my friend.

Annie, who lost her father, says, “I laid awake at night thinking, O Lord, I wish I had taken him to Duke Hospital. Why didn’t I think about it? I just kept punishing myself. But one of my friends said, ‘You did all you knew to do.’ Which is true.”

Do not condemn yourself. Look to Christ Jesus for help in facing these regrets.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death” (Romans 8:1-2 NASB).

Lord Jesus, set me free from my regrets. Thank you for not condemning me. Amen.

I’ve done some of the same things with Josh’s death. Wondered if I could have done more. But just like the example above – we did all we knew to do. We’ve been told by many people – some of them officials like doctors, medical examiner and the like – that we are not to blame. But our enemy knows our weaknesses so well. he knows that DH and I are first-borns and thus strive to be in control of the situation.

I think I need to work on memorizing that verse!

Ok – if you think tattoos are evil – you’d better start praying for me! Right after Josh died one of my first instincts was to get a tattoo – a permanent memorial that would always be with me. My mom sort of freaked (ok – this is my intrepretation and it must be acknowledged that I was out of it at best) and took me to get his birthstone in earrings instead – and I wear them everyday. But I worry that I might loose them.

Pretty much the only things keeping me from already doing it are (1) design, (2) location and (3) price. I have no idea how much it would cost. I have no idea where to put it and I had no idea what design I wanted. Well, I think I know what design I want.

Well, I think I know …I want simple, modern nursing mother. Something similar to the logo for our local pregnancy support group (click on links to really see it). But I have no idea how much it costs or where I would put it. I don’t want it to show – it’s something just for me – but I want to be able to see it (so not on my back).

So, chances of me getting it are still pretty remote…but it’s an idea that has stuck with me since the afternoon of the day he died.

Think I’m losing it?

I hope this link works – I was reading this article today titled “Scientists work on ‘Trauma Pill'” and it reminded me of the movie my brother and SIL had – “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. In that a young man realizes the woman he loves has erased all memory of him – it’s very complicated and very thought provoking. Anyway, as the article points out – that is sci fi and this new pill is not quite that effective. Instead of totally erasing a trauma – it “may make the resulting memories less painful and intense.”

So I was wondering if I would take something like that in regards to losing Joshua. And, then I realized that I no longer think of it as a trauma. It has been almost 3 years since we lost him so unexpectedly and it WAS traumatic. But now it is more of a defining moment for me. Don’t get me wrong….I’m still very much grieving his loss. Not a day goes by when I don’t realize we are mising part of our family. But, I think I might be more accepting of this trauma. I might be defined by it but I’m not traumatized.

And speaking of what defines us. I was talking with my DH yesterday in a very rare child-free moment and, if I understood him right, he does not want to be defined by our loss. I can’t understand that. Of course I’m defined by it. Just as I’m defined by being a child of divorce, a follower of Christ, the firstborn, all those years of infertility and so on. But these are not negative things – just defining things. I’m not using them to excuse bad behaviour – but I recognize that these are the factors that have fashioned me into the adult I am today.

So, what say you? Do you buy ‘defining moments’? Would you take a pill to relieve a trauma? (be sure to read the article – it may not be what you think it is) Love to interact with other about this!