Category Archives: Grieving

I wrote this in August of 2003 – today is, again, one of those days:

08/12/2003 Entry: “Blanket of Grief”

I can feel the blanket covering me…

it affects everything I hear…

everything I say…

everything I see.

The blanket makes it hard

for me to enjoy life…

hard for me to care…

hard to do the simplest things.

There are times I feel that

I will be able to get out

from under the blanket,

but then I realize there

are times I don’t want to.

Somedays it’s too hard

to go on…

to enjoy life…

to care.

Those days I pull

my blanket over my head

and let the tears flow.

This is one of those days.

What a bad day I’m having!! My head is aching – because of this stupid wind! I’m sad and weepy – which I think is more due to hormones than depression. I feel very much not up to …. well, everything! I want to just hide from the world, but thankfully J2 and J3 won’t allow that. I’m going to keep stepping forward and pray that this day gets better!

Today I went to a class with my sister-in-law called “Babyproofing and Beyond” – it was a last minute thing since she didn’t have anyone else with whom to attend. So, I wasn’t really sure what I was in for! The first video opened with an ER scene – ugh. I did good though – I didn’t cry in public and thankfully my SIL was agreeable to not stay for the CPR instruction I knew I could not make it through that part!!

So, we went to lunch at Olive Garden after and then hit the new Bed, Bath and Beyond store. I’ve been carrying around a coupon for them forever and I finally got to use it! I finally replaced my 17.5 yr old crock pot!! LOL Can’t wait to use it!!

I’m going to be babysitting my SIL son after Christmas – it will be odd to have a baby in the house again, but I’m looking forward to it – on most days. 🙂 Also, I found out my brother and his wife are expecting! 🙂 Next summer there will be two babies around these parts! Can’t wait! Yes, there are parts of me who wish it was my turn and then I remember swollen ankles and midnight feedings and I’m ok with just being Aunty Amy 😉

Saturday night I was sure I’d never live through Sunday. I was so scared to wake up and remember my baby has been gone for 1 whole year. I remembered how hard the first month had been….his first birthday without any celebration….the day I realized he’d been gone longer than he’d been with me….and I was sure there was no way I’d live through it.

But I woke up and felt … insulated. It was like nothing could really penetrate. At first I was worried that I had shut down and was really worried I was losing it. But then I realized I was peaceful. I began to realize that the Lord was protecting me. And, I am so thankful….

Thank you all for your prayers during this time!

We miss you Joshie and we look forward to being reunited with you!

I was just surfing around like a do sometimes and I typed “Joshie” into a Google search – and then clicked on images. About halfway down I was shocked to see a picture of MY joshie in their listing! I didn’t realize that they did this! I’d heard of search engines where you could search for images, but I really never thought about the implications!!! I’m still pretty upset about this – it was so shocking! 🙁