Yes, I’m normally a very positive person. I’d rather say nothing, than say something negative. But I.Am.Mad! And, I need an outlet!

So, today,

  • I hate the time between when my teenager wakes up and his medication kicks in.
  • I hate the hateful things he says
  • and the hateful things I think.
  • I hate that I can’t fix him
  • or love him into healing.
  • I hate that I never get a true break from it
  • I hate worrying if the other children are exhibiting the same attitudes/symptoms
  • I hate the tension it creates in our house
  • I hate FASD
  • I hate ADHD
  • I hate ODD
  • I hate that I have to be 100% on top of my attitude or we could have a huge blowup
  • I hate that I feel like a failure – I certainly didn’t do this to him!  But I still carry guilt over it
  • I hate worrying about his future.
  • I hate how much his issues bring out the worse in me.
  • I hate how tired I am just from living here.
  • I hate it when people say “find a support group”.  They don’t realize I have VERY little time for myself.
  • I hate seeing the other children react to his rages and resent him.
  • I hate that he doesn’t even seem to try.
  • I hate that he is 15 going on 3.
  • I hate that this disorder is causing me to write over 200 words of hate. 🙁

Love this! Read this on my mom’s facebook page this morning!

dialog this morning with my 4 yr old granddaughter who’s in the play room making a lot of noise
Me: what shape is that play room in?????
Grandaughter, proudly: it’s SQUARE!!!!

Thank you all for your prayers!  Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of Joshua’s death.  (I almost wrote “passing” as that seems a more gentle word. But there was nothing gentle about losing a child at 8.5 mos old!  It was brutal, shocking and the most painful thing we’ve ever lived through!)  If Joshua had lived, he’d be 7.5 yrs old now.  To be honest, I can’t even imagine life with another child in our home.  And, I’m not really one to waste a lot of time on ‘what could have been’.  It’s only painful.  So, let’s change the subject!

Remember last month when J3 declared I made him yucky eggs (the yolk was not runny)?  Well today I made him pancakes and he said I did a really good job! LOL He was very serious – almost like it was a job performance review! lol  And, I was a bit worried when he caught me adding a bit of lemon juice! I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to try them!

Today Hubs is taking a half day so he can go to J1’s therapy appt with him.  The past 48 hours have been some of the worse we have lived through.  Lots of raging, screaming and defiance.  I’ve been saying that I want J1 off all his meds but last week we had a couple of days where he took much less than he was supposed to (communication problem! 🙁 ) and, well, those were pretty hard days for all of us.  We are learning that we might be dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder as well as the FASD & ADHD.  I hesitate to share this on my blog because so many of you live nearby and I don’t want you to think of J1 any differently.  But I also need the support and encouragement from those of you who’ve been here and done this!

What else is new?  Well, literally new – a new laptop and new cell phone!  Argh – those were frustrating days!  And, it’s long story but now we seem to be swimming right along.  The only thing that’s not back to normal is my phone.  I had a Palm Centro.  I hadn’t use the online parts of it for several months due to the cost (an additional $30/line each month!!) but I used it like my old daytimer or Palm PDA.  Now I am back to carrying a paper calendar in my purse.  And, I have to make sure it is up-to-date with my Google calendar!  I really miss my Centro!  But last night, Hubs said I could have an early anniversary present and I ordered an iPod Touch! So, I’m hoping with the apps available out there, that I will be able to have my PDA options and even a few more programs to help my day!  So, if you have an iPhone or an iPod Touch, what’s your favorite app?

I’ve mentioned a few times on Twitter that I’m writing.  You know I work for The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, right?  Well, Summer issues usually have an adoption and special learning theme.  And, I’ve been invited to write a Show & Tell article – basically a get to know you article.  To be honest, writing it is turning out to be easier than I thought! I really enjoy it!  Who knew?  In fact, I’m realizing I’m having trouble keeping it short enough! LOL  So, we’ll be skipping some things.  I’ll let you know if/when they accept my article.

My friend Ashley came over a couple of weekends ago and took family pictures of us for the article.  I love the shots of the kids and the big group shot.  But when it came to a picture of me by myself (a requirement for the article) – blech!  It’s not Ashley’s fault.  And, I’m not being too critical.  If I looked okay, my hair was flying the wind.  If my hair looked good (I know vanity!!) then I was talking to her or watching the kids.   Sigh.  I hate having my picture taken but I think I need to give her a call and ask her if she can help me try again.  And, yes, I’ll post the pictures soon.  With all the computer problems there just hasn’t been a moment to put them online!

Ok – since this post has gotten so long already – I might as well update you on a few other things in my life:  my workouts and my knitting!  First the bad – working out! No, not really!  I’m really enjoying it.  My MIL comes over every morning (Bless her!) and I run off to the gym.  While I’m gone, she feeds Sissy, gets the boys to wake up and even do a chore or two.  Sissy loves this time with her and I love getting a workout in!  Then I get home and my MIL heads off to her workout, so it’s a win-win!  :D  I’m knitting her something special as a thank you!

And, speaking about knitting….well, I’m not 100% sure who reads this – so no pictures of some projects.  But here’s a list of the things I’m working on:

  • A secret something for a secret someone
  • A secret something for my MIL
  • A rainbow booga bag for me (low priority)

And, I just test knit a Two-Tiered Tutu for my friend Becca for Sissy!  It’s adorable on her and it was so fun to knit!  You can buy the pattern here or, if you are not a knitter, I think Becca will be selling them in her Etsy store soon too!  Here’s some pics of Sissy modeling her tutu:

 

 

 

 

Well, that’s it for me! I’d better get ready for my workout! You all are such a blessing to me.  I’m not sure how I could have made it these past 7 years without you all!