I’ve been in a funk. There is no reason I should be in a funk. It’s not February….it’s not May (Josh’s birth month)…the sun is shining….things are growing…each day holds potential.
And, maybe that’s part of the problem. I struggle with wanting to go forward and knowing that part of me is forever rooted in February 22, 2003. No matter what…my life is different. I will never be the person I was going to be. I’ll never life the life I was going to live.
You know – right after Josh died I wanted to get a tattoo. Something permanent to help me remember him. Now I can laugh at that (just a little 😉 because I know there is something permanent – and I will never forget him. I can’t ever tell you what that something is…it just is ‘something’. It’s the new way I look at things. It’s the way I can’t look at family photographs and wonder where he would be in the picture – figure out how old he’d be on that date – try to picture him there. It’s the way I feel like I am missing something all the time – that I’ve misplaced something and I can’t find it. These things have permanently marked me in a way a tatoo never could.
I’m not the same… and I will never forget.
Dear Amy;
I came across your blog while I was on the net reading various knitting blogs. I’m so sorry of the loss of your little Josh. What a beautiful boy! You all must miss him every day.
Of course, you are not the same person. And the experiences you have had are tattooed on your heart and soul. I’m not very religious, but perhaps there is a reason for all of it happening. Perhaps it has helped make you a better mother to your other children, perhaps it helps you treasure the time you have more! Who knows?
We moms (well, women in general) can be very hard on ourselves. So, I hope you are good to yourself and give yourself a break and be patient with yourself. Knit when you can and I hope you get some time to yourself as well.
Hang in there…thinking of you on the other side of the country (New England, where it’s finally sunny and warm!)
Kathy
Amy,
I never know what to say, except that my heart and prayers are with you.
Hugs,
Julie
Hi, just found your blog via “Homeschooling blogs” (I just joined). I am so sorry about your little Josh. You are right, no tattoo’s necessary, he’s permanently etched on your heart. I never got to hold my little Grace, she returned to Heaven before she was born (But her twin Gavin is here). Sometimes I swear I can see her standing next to him.
i had a miscarriage on july 13 2005. i also don’t want to plant trees or hold mementos(referring to tattoo),I’d rather keep my hopes, my memories, my 6 month pregnancy, everything that has to do with Amy Claire Sawyer in reverent silence. I don’t have to do anything to remember, it is impossible to forget. Also, Jeremy, who was miscarried in Feb.2002. Like you I know I won’t ever be the person who was going to have a loud happy houseful of children, I mean though I may have that I am also subdued by the sorrow I’ve gone through, by the ones missing. i love Jesus Christ and believe that somehow this present loss will work amazingly good things for all eternity somehow and so I am not depressed.