Eric said today that he believes our loss of Josh is something that will always be there – just below the surface and able to come up whenever it gets bumped. This weekend it got bumped.
Saturday we went to another memorial service. Another good friend – an awesome Christian – lost her battle with cancer. I don’t grieve for Nancy – she is much better off – but I grieve for those of us who are left behind. Her husband and her children will always miss her – and time doesn’t help. And knowing that she is with our Saviour doesn’t help. I guess I’m just too selfish – I want them to be with ME!
Then today before Sunday School a new friend wanted us to know that she was working at the hospital where Josh died on the night he died. She didn’t know us then of course, but she started to put things together as she got to know us. She obviously wanted to talk about that night (well, we think of it as morning, but that is how she put it) and we obliged her – but then all during Sunday school I just felt dead. And I realized I’m never going to “get over this”. Time does NOT heal a wound like this. Maybe I’ll get better at hiding the pain – but I better get used to this pain…I think we are going to have a lifelong relationship.
Now I know there will be some who read this post and pity me because I’m not being “joyful in the Lord”. Don’t get me wrong – there IS joy in my life. I’m no longer ruled by this pain. But I’m realizing that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.
Job 1:21b “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
On a happy note – I got a treat from my new secret pal at church! A gift certificate for JoAnns! What a great pal!! So this afternoon I treated myself to some black microspun yarn and I’m going to knit a stole that I can wear with almost anything and it will be nice enough for church! Bless you Secret Pal – you’ve been a blessing to me!!
Joy does not mean happiness, glibness etc. The deepest joy I have ever experienced was during the deepest, blackest grief…when it’s you and God and nothing can fix the hurt. I’m sorry that friend chose a public time and place to share with you. I’m sure she meant well but does not understand. I know I have shared with you before my belief that the pain does not go away, but I do think how the pain effects you, how you respond to it, that changes over time. I read from someone, I think C.S. Lewis, about how the pain/grief becomes like this stranger that settles in your life. At first it seems like something to deal with, get over, get rid of. Gradually it becomes a part of you and no longer seems like a stranger. You become oddly comfortable with it being part of who you are. And like Eric said, something will bump into it and bring it up fresh again. I think the challenge in it all is how we learn to live with it, how we allow ourselves to be shaped and molded…do we let the Father, the Master Craftsman do the shaping or do we get angry and try to destroy the beautiful parts of our lives that are left. None of us will ever understand why. It will never be right. You may never be the woman you may have been without the loss. But you are being transformed by His healing grace. He is picking up the pieces and walking with you on the journey. Breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day, celebration by celebration, year by year. No matter what it feels like at the time, you are His beloved lamb! Thank you for sharing your grief so publicly. It helps those of us who grieve privately. I’m sorry about your friend Nancy…these are the same thoughts and feelings I have about my Nancy. Big hugs to you Amy!
I was looking through blogs under the topic “journaling” when I discovered your site. I just finished reading all the entries in regard to losing your son Josh and my heart goes out to you. My own infant son died of sids forty years ago and there are still times I can recall that day as if it were yesterday. Time is a great healer but it is not an “eraser” so memories do linger on, but the pain becomes less as God gives us unexpected joys…like your secret pal’s gift certificate.. to remind us He’s watching over us. We are told something good comes out of our tragedies and I think your writings are going to be so helpful to others experiencing a similar loss. You have much to offer.
JudyB
I wonder where we got the idea that the pain will go away someday? If it did, I think we’d be less human.
I’m sorry your day was so hard. You are always in my prayers.