I was looking for a specific picture of our family to post online – and I ended up looking at the pictures I have in a folder of Joshie – and now I’m just a mess again. I try not to look at the pictures of him in our house. I can’t even dust them. It took a huge compromise on my behalf to even let DH put them up. Now I’ve trained my eyes to look but not see.
Wow, if that’s not denial I don’t know what is! I’m not getting better, I’m just getting better at not dealing with it. I’m afraid one of these days I’m just going to have a complete breakdown when it all comes tumbling down.
And, yet….I know he’s gone. I grieve his loss almost daily. Everything I do is peppered by the fact that someone is missing. To lose a child is horrible, but to lose a child at that stage of life…..where I was his main sustanence and caretaker. It took weeks for me to quit waking at night to feed him.
Holidays are hard because the family gets together but part of my family is gone. Everyone moves on with their life, no matter how close they were to him. There are new babies to coo over. There are new traditions started that he’ll never know. And sometimes the truth that we will be reunited is pale to the fact that he is not here now. That I’ve been robbed of the joy of watching him grow up.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. Maybe that is what faith is – not understanding but you continue on anyway. Maybe it’s not that simple but for me to continue to live….to continue to trust the Lord…it’s taking so much of me.
Edited to add – please don’t think I’m falling apart – I’m just processing my grief. Better to get it out than to keep it in. The one thing I’ve noticed is that people are so uncomfortable with other people’s grief that they want them to get medication or ‘see someone’. Grief just sucks and takes time! As my DH’s grandpa used to say, “It will feel better when it quits hurting” – somethings just take time.
I praise God that you have this outlet. Most people do the “stuff” thing and pretend they are fine. You are honest. Your are processing. You may not speak it all the time, but you do what you need to do to get your feelings out. Be comfortable in your process and know you have people behind you holding you up whenever you feel like just falling. We love you and we are crying with you – always!!!
Oh Amy, I’m so glad you are able to talk about your grief. I know each time you help me in mine, which is a different kind of grief, so I know it must help others with similar experiences. I don’t think you’re a nutcase when you talk about this. I think there would be a bigger problem if you did not talk about it. You’re right…faith is when you believe even if you don’t understand. I will be praying for you as I go about my day tomorrow. Love ya!
Amy please know that you are loved and prayed for. I ask our Father to bring you to my mind so that I can lift you to Him! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Your Sister Friend,
Carla Jo
Amy – everyday I pray for you. Of course I can’t begin to understand the depths of your sorrow. I can hardly look at Joshies pictures without crying. Your whole pregnancy, delivery and his short life is forever embedded in my mind. What joy. What a miracle. What sorrow. Such a short life to have such a range of highs and lows. Horrible, horrible lows. Take all the time you need. Grief has no time table. Your friends know that and love you.
Amy,
I can imagine the difficulties. It is definitely nothing that can be dealt with in a short time. It will always be something that is a hole in your heart. We continue to keep you in our prayers.
Love you.
You are a very normal grieving parent and I can feel the faith you have in your words.
I am glad you joined GPCS. I just wish you didn’t have the need for such a group.
the above e-mail is a real one. I use a different one for GPCS/GP. I don’t use these e-mails for anything but the groups due to all the mail and spam bots as well when siging guestbooks and such.
spring-p413 gets a lot of junk mail due to using it to sign guestbooks. sigh… but it is a real one.
Rita/josh’s mom 7/25/79-8/12/00