I hope this link works – I was reading this article today titled “Scientists work on ‘Trauma Pill'” and it reminded me of the movie my brother and SIL had – “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. In that a young man realizes the woman he loves has erased all memory of him – it’s very complicated and very thought provoking. Anyway, as the article points out – that is sci fi and this new pill is not quite that effective. Instead of totally erasing a trauma – it “may make the resulting memories less painful and intense.”
So I was wondering if I would take something like that in regards to losing Joshua. And, then I realized that I no longer think of it as a trauma. It has been almost 3 years since we lost him so unexpectedly and it WAS traumatic. But now it is more of a defining moment for me. Don’t get me wrong….I’m still very much grieving his loss. Not a day goes by when I don’t realize we are mising part of our family. But, I think I might be more accepting of this trauma. I might be defined by it but I’m not traumatized.
And speaking of what defines us. I was talking with my DH yesterday in a very rare child-free moment and, if I understood him right, he does not want to be defined by our loss. I can’t understand that. Of course I’m defined by it. Just as I’m defined by being a child of divorce, a follower of Christ, the firstborn, all those years of infertility and so on. But these are not negative things – just defining things. I’m not using them to excuse bad behaviour – but I recognize that these are the factors that have fashioned me into the adult I am today.
So, what say you? Do you buy ‘defining moments’? Would you take a pill to relieve a trauma? (be sure to read the article – it may not be what you think it is) Love to interact with other about this!
No, I would not take that pill or do anything else that would change my memories! You know why? Because with the most painful things I have experienced in life, I have grown closer to God and my character has been refined. Do I want more pain? NO! But if I erased the pain, I would erase the joy and erase part that make me, me!
No, I don’t think so – but I have never experienced the kind of trauma that you have. I do believe in defining moments – and it might be something as simple as something being said to me that makes me realize something – either about myself or that person and I don’t ever think of them the same again.
I just stopped by your blog, and your post really struck a chord, as I have been thinking about this lately. We very nearly lost our son this past summer and even though he seems okay now I am still processing the experience. (Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome, if anyone wonders) It was traumatic. Time stopped for us. I’m still trying to coax myself back out of that time in the hospital. In my mind I still see part of me standing there, in the family room, waiting rooms, in the Valley of the Shadow. If I had taken a pill to help me deal with it all, make it less real, I don’t think I’d ever be able to really heal. The pain is still real to me; if the memories weren’t there to explain why some days I feel like my heart was torn apart, I would just think I were nuts. Trauma is hard enough to deal with. It’s the memories that allow you to know there’s a reason you feel the ways you do. I wonder sometimes why I feel such a loss when my son is still here. Defining moments? Yes. When traumatic things happen and time stands still, life begins again and it’s a different you living that life. How can you not be defined by it?
Maybe what your dh is saying really is that he doesn’t want to be “known” by that? I hope so.
I’m sure you already know that I believe the defining moments of our lives are incredibly important. But more and more I am realizing that the big outward things aren’t the only defining things. I guess that’s why I thought maybe he meant something different.
Amy, I thought the same thing that Sara posted…perhaps it is a matter of semantics. Am I guessing right, that you think of a defining moment as something life changing and it defines you because it changed your life forever? Whereas the word define for other people might conjure up the image of “if you looked up my name in the dictionary it would say…” or if you had to write your name on a “Hello my name is…” sticker you would write that. Only a truly medically insane person could forget Joshua. Your DH will NEVER forget him. And he will always be a part of your family. You will never stop being his parents and he will never stop being your son. DH may never grieve in the same ways that you do, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or doesn’t feel a great sense of loss. He is just facing the loss differently. My parents both grieved differently too. When my Dad died 30 years later it still brought painful tears to his eyes. My Mom turned gray literally overnight and had hard, acute grief the first five years, but then her grief changed in time. It still hurts but no longer brings immediate tears to her eyes. It is good that you have dialogue from time to time with DH. My parents divorced and never worked it out. Please don’t mistake my words…I know sometimes in the B&W it isn’t always easy to understand what the other is saying, so I don’t want to cause you more pain by my words. I want to encourage you to keep working on your grief process as you are able and to keep sharing with your hubby because you are One in Him!
Maybe he means that he doesn’t want to be defined primarily by the loss of your child. That kind of experience is so profoundly painful. I think we try to use even negative experiences to our betterment and I just can’t comprehend how one could do that with this kind of a loss. So maybe he prefers to think of his defining moment as how wonderful it was to expierence your child. We all get things straight in our heads a little differently.
On another note: I have decided to participate in the Yarn Harlot’s Olympic Knit along. I’m am going to use our socks for my project. That means that one the 7th I’ll help others get started-if they need it but will cast-on on the 10th!
Take care.
I’d never thought about that before, but I would say NO. After years of infertility DH & I got pregnant. We lost our twins at 17 weeks. That was very traumatic for us but I wouldn’t want to lose those memories. Like someone else said, I beleive being able to replay some of those memories has helped me heal. God gives us trials and tribulations for a reason. If we took it upon ourselves to erase the pain of those events, we may not be allowing God to fully work through those situations.
There’s a song from several (maybe 10) years ago by Garth Brooks called “The Dance” – the refrain is “And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’ve had to miss the dance”
I lost my best friend and her daughter to pregnancy related things this past fall… and as much as that hurts, I’d take it ten times over, because the memories of the good are worth it. But maybe I wouldn’t have chosen that the first day I met her… which is why it’s good I didn’t know…
Charles Dickens wrote a not very well known Christmas story about the very subject of being able to escape your regrets if you could. It is called The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain. It has not become very popular because it is too Godly a story and glorifies Jesus a little too clearly, but if you can take some more tears of understanding, it has a magnificent insight into the purpose of grief and what it does to actually change our current lives for the better.
If you cannot find it, I can try to get it to you somehow. Or anyone else who would like it.
That writer was completely inspired!!!