We’ve been trying a new schedule using lots of ideas from the MOTH book, and it’s been going pretty good. Today I even found I could stop at the grocery store and buy 6 items and not mess up my schedule. UNTIL….

Jeremy is doing his handwriting and has the realization that he has not eaten breakfast! DUH! That’s where the grocery store time came from!! Life was so much easier when I had my brain fully engaged in life!

I rarely do this – but I was told about this site today and think it has great potential! Check out LibraryThing.com!

It is a personal library catalog site! You can keep track of all your books…find others who own the same books…even read reviews and get suggestions for more book! So, if you are a booklover like me – check it out!

Oh, yes, I did start a catalog – but I’ve only one book entered so far. The only downside to the site: Finding enough time to actually input the books!

I know I’m late for a thanksgiving post…but the past few days have been such a whirlwind of activities and emotions…and better late than never.

First, thank you for your kind words of encouragement, prayers and emails. Grieving is so hard and I am so thankful for this safe outlet where I can share my heart and get encouraging responses from all over the place!

Our thanksgiving was good – my mom, brother, sister-in-law and niece joined us – so it was the perfect size. The turkey took over 1.5 hours longer than I expected it to take, but “it was all good”. Everything came together in the perfect timing! My sister-in-law made the best rolls and sweet potatoes! Yum!! My mom made 5 pies (one went to my sister’s family) and was a great help to me while we prepared the food. About 2 hours after our meal, my sister’s family arrived for dessert. We played a little Rummikub and laughed alot.

The next morning we woke up to illness – J1 had stomach flu and DH had a sore throat. Though it was raining, I still had to head up north. In fact, my brother rode wtih me in my van so that he had plenty of room for his pillows (he has to have his hand above his elbow — his elbow above his heart). When we got up there I moved wood from the field to the splitter and then my BIL and his dad started splitting and we all (my sister helped too) stacked it in the wood shed. It was good, dirty work! 🙂 My sister rode home with me so that I wouldn’t be alone (it’s about 2.5 hour drive).

You know I don’t remember alot about Saturday except I worked for TOS in my PJs for the majority of it! 😉 We went to Saturday night church service as the pastor asked some to consider switching for the season while we have lots of visitors. But we still want to attend SS so we still go on Sunday – not sure if this will work. Mainly cause when Sunday morning came I did not want to go!

Sunday I spent the majority of the day doing laundry and forecasting my curriculum. I was able to make a tentative lesson plan until the end of the year. The best part was realizing that I could take one day off a week after Christmas! That will make life so much easier.

Today I got up and walked with my mom in the rain – well, until it became rain and not just mist! I think tomorrow we will do something indoors unless it’s not raining.

Well, I wanted to make a list of everything I’m thankful for – but I’m running out of time! Maybe I can do it after school today!

I was looking for a specific picture of our family to post online – and I ended up looking at the pictures I have in a folder of Joshie – and now I’m just a mess again. I try not to look at the pictures of him in our house. I can’t even dust them. It took a huge compromise on my behalf to even let DH put them up. Now I’ve trained my eyes to look but not see.

Wow, if that’s not denial I don’t know what is! I’m not getting better, I’m just getting better at not dealing with it. I’m afraid one of these days I’m just going to have a complete breakdown when it all comes tumbling down.

And, yet….I know he’s gone. I grieve his loss almost daily. Everything I do is peppered by the fact that someone is missing. To lose a child is horrible, but to lose a child at that stage of life…..where I was his main sustanence and caretaker. It took weeks for me to quit waking at night to feed him.

Holidays are hard because the family gets together but part of my family is gone. Everyone moves on with their life, no matter how close they were to him. There are new babies to coo over. There are new traditions started that he’ll never know. And sometimes the truth that we will be reunited is pale to the fact that he is not here now. That I’ve been robbed of the joy of watching him grow up.

I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. Maybe that is what faith is – not understanding but you continue on anyway. Maybe it’s not that simple but for me to continue to live….to continue to trust the Lord…it’s taking so much of me.

Edited to add – please don’t think I’m falling apart – I’m just processing my grief. Better to get it out than to keep it in. The one thing I’ve noticed is that people are so uncomfortable with other people’s grief that they want them to get medication or ‘see someone’. Grief just sucks and takes time! As my DH’s grandpa used to say, “It will feel better when it quits hurting” – somethings just take time.