Yesterday was my actual birthday – we took the kids to the Heart of the Forest Renaissance day and had a great time.

Then today was loads of fun…this morning headed to Vacaville with my mom to shop for my bday present (clothes). We went to our favorite store and found a couple of great things. Then hit the book store where I found 5 books from my curriculum list (for less than $12 total!!). Then lunch – we had the tallest burgers in the world! First bite practically unhinged my jaw and I barely touched it! Finally started eating it in layers. It was good. Then we decided we wanted pie – they offer two sizes so we thought we’d choose the smallest size and get two pieces since we love variety. But after we ordered we realized their two sizes are the large which is 1/4 of a pie and the small which is 1/6 of the pie!! We laughed quite a bit over that! My 2nd piece is still in her frig…doubt I’ll ever eat again though.

Came home and my Inlaws and nephew were here. Eric and the boys had decorated and cleaned the house!! For dinner Eric prepared Calzones, green salad, bean salad and watermelon. A friend of my mom’s made me a chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cake.

I”M SO FULL!!

Anyway, that was the end of my day!

OH! Wait! I also got presents!! My DH and in-laws went together to get me the George Foreman Jumbo size Indoor grill and the store was having a special and I also got the George Foreman Contact Roasting Machine. Going to search online for recipes. Anyone use these machines?

And, my boys got me mechanical pencils – I love them – and puzzle books! They know me so well!

Feeling spoiled and well loved!

I’ve been plagued with guilt off and on since losing Josh. And, it’s been hitting me hard again…we try so hard to do what is right and bad things still happen.

I struggled and struggled to breastfeed Josh – he was my only birth child and the only one for whom I could do this. Also, my Dh had many allergies as a child and his mother wondered if not bf him made them worse. I was pretty stubborn and it took several weeks before we got it figured out. He was small to start with…and never looked very ‘healthy’ until just a couple of months before he died.

Just last night I found a folder from last year’s fair in August where his picture was taken for an id card – he’s so small it was shocking. (I’ve rarely looked at pics or video because it’s so painful)

I started feeling again that maybe the fact he had such a rough start and my insistence on breastfeeding him might have made the difference in him living or dying. Maybe if he had been bigger, his heart could have handled it and he wouldn’t have died

I so just want all this to be a horribly bad dream and wake up to his smiling face. But time moves on and he’s gone.

My head tells me that he’s in heaven and that I’ll be reunited with him soon…but my heart still aches.

It’s been 5 months since we’ve lost Joshie. It occured to me last night that pretty quick he’ll have been gone longer than he lived. What an incredibly sad thought to me.

I’m turning 37 in a few months. And, I’m back to thinking that maybe we should take steps to not have any more children. Just say that these 4 boys were enough. But then I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so hard or so painful this time. Maybe I’d not have the problems I had before. But of course, there are no guarantees.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m not ready to make a decision. And, it feels pretty good to give that decision to the Lord and say, do what you will. It’s very similar to allowing my parent make a decision for me when I was a child – I knew that I wasn’t competent to make the decisions and felt a sense of security that they wanted my best and would decide what was best. Is that faith? I think so. I have Faith that whatever the Lord decides in this matter, we will live through it and, no matter how hard it might be at the time, we can rest in the fact that it is for our good.

Hmm…it’s funny where your mind will take you when you just let it go!

Sounds like we’ve heard about the last of Joshie’s medical bills (tomorrow being the last day they can issue a bill)…though we’ve not seen them. I’ve tried to make sure I had enough set aside for that bill but it appears that I am going to be about 800 off. I’m frustrated, sad, and just weary of all this. I’m going to look at our bills tonight and make sure that’s all I’m off. Please pray for me as I do this. DH and I haven’t agreed at times about repaying this bill. He says they can get $5 a month for the rest of his life for all he cares. But I know that I can’t handle opening and paying that bill each month. I NEED it to be paid as soon as possible.

Thanks for listening…I just needed to not carry this alone.