Today was hard. I tried to stay busy packing boxes and a few ladies from church helped (one took the boys to McDonalds for TWO hours – there is a special reward for her in heaven LOL) and somehow the day is closing. DH bought a pie and we sung ‘happy birthday’ but I couldn’t really do it. I was just sitting there. The kids – they don’t know any better – said somethings that just cut so deep. But they are hurting too and I’m glad they are talking to us!

Sort of related, but not really….I read an interview with Gracia Burnham in “Decision” magazine today. A few things she said struck me:

When you are suffering and throwing yourself on God, that is when you are closest to Him. Amen to that!

I think of everyday as a gift now, I choose to accept the freedom that I have now as a gift and to be happy. Every day, things that I don’t know how to deal with happen to me, but I’m not going to let that rob me of my joy. I am free, and I have my kids and his wonderful house to live in. I’m not going to mope around about what happened. Of course, I wish I could change things, but that is not the plan of God. Again, what can I add but AMEN!

Thanks for all your love, support, cards and prayers….it so helps knowing that we have such good friends!

Tomorrow Joshie would have been one. This fact keeps rolling around in my brain….taunting me.

We would have invited our family and given him a cupcake in his highchair and videotaped the mess he made. I would have bathed him after and chewed on his toes like I always did after bathtime. I would have sprinkled powder over his tummy and laughed with him as I tickled him.

We would have given him a simple gift – maybe a stuffed animal or something to encourage him to walk. He would have been crawling by now! Maybe even taking a step between Mommy and Daddy.

I wonder if he’d have any teeth yet?

I wonder what color his eyes would have been once they finally stopped changing?

I wonder if he’d sleep through the night by the time he turned one?

I wonder if we’d realize what a wonderful gift we had if he was still with us?

Eric and I have been married 16 years today!!! He gave me a great card today, here are some of the things it said:

“I knew I had found a companion for the journey ahead,
someone who would stay beside me,
no matter how the road turned or where it took us….
I know we can count on each other,
and I want to go on sharing everything on life’s journey with you.”

Isn’t that great!

Ah, we are home! Back to electricity, running water, indoor plumbing, and, best of all, internet connection! LOL While I love being with my family…I just don’t handle the lack of amenities and the dirt! And, I’m not even mentioning the bugs, lizards, spiders, flies, mosquitos and rattlesnakes. Ah, nature! Not my favorite, thank you!

One thing I don’t want to forget…
the boys caught a blue-belly lizard and named him Mikey! They put him in a bucket with leaves, rocks – everything a lizard needs to feel at home. However, while showing Mikey to their 2yr old brother, Mikey lost his tail!! There was much wailing and the confirmation from Uncle Kevin (the wildlife biologist) that this was ok – Mikey could simply grow a new tail. So, each day there were Mikey ‘checks’, times when Mikey would be ‘excercised’ and times when Mikey was just observed.

But, this morning, Mikey was not moving. He was dead. Our 8 yr old was so sad. And, Eric and I heard so many familiar phrases in his cries:

But I loved him!
Why did he have to die?
I tried to make everything perfect for him?
It’s all Js(the 2yr old) fault – he held him too close!
It’s just not fair!

So, maybe the loss of a lizard is a very pale comparison to losing a son, but no matter what you loss, it hurts! And, just like so many did for us, I just held him and cried with him. Crying over a lizard, who’d ever have thought it!

Do you know I didn’t even realize that tomorrow marks the 3 mo anniversary of Josh’s death? Does that mean I’m ok or really bad off? (sigh) I really hope it means that the Lord is protecting me and I’m doing ok…not such an emotional mess anymore!

Tonight I went with my Mom to visit my Grandma. I hadn’t been to visit since Josh died. My uncle did not want her to know about Josh’s death because she wasn’t doing well and “probably wouldn’t even remember him”. This was pretty upsetting to me because Josh and I visited her every week from Sept to Jan, except when we were sick. I knew she’d remember and I wasn’t supposed to tell her? What was I supposed to do when she asked about him? Make her think she’s crazy and there was no baby? ANYWAY, I quit going with my mom. And, then one day mom said that Grandma asked about me and if Joshie was better yet – and Mom told her. She understood and was understandably sad – she even sent me a gift.

So, now three mos later I finally get up the courage to go see her and it was hard. What did I expect? I’m so thankful that she remembers me!! And, she remembers Joshie..and she wonders why I didn’t bring him. At least twice we had to tell her that he died. I heard her ask my mom at one point if there had been an investigation – and I smiled sadly. It only reminded me that in our day and age Children are not supposed to die from illness. But the sad thing is that they do! And, Grandma, bless her heart would be sad and then quickly get distracted by something else until she realized that I was there but the baby wasn’t.

It was so sad.