Pride

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I’ve been proud – yes, that horrible word is the only one that fits – that I’ve handled Joshie’s death as well as I have. But to be honest, I’m not handling it well. One thing I continue to struggle with is guilt. I could make you a long list of things I feel guilty about regarding Joshie’s short life and death. But if I’m honest, I have to say that I did my best.

And, the thing I feel most guilty about is that it wasn’t good enough.

Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough?
How do I face each day?
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children?
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again!

And, yet, as I type these questions and the tears are rolling down my face – I hear the answer: God.

Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough? God
How do I face each day? God will hold me up
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children? God will lead me with His wisdom
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again! God will give me the love for that child and the strength to face whatever happens.

Father, I praise you for the way you’ve comforted me during this time – please don’t leave me! Please give me strength for this day – to raise the other children – to attend to their studies – to show them that it is ok to be sad, but that You are still my joy! Thank you for the wonderful books that you’ve inspired to be written so that I could process my emotions. Thank you for friends and for those who I don’t know who’ve let me know that my honest has helped them. Thank you for allowing me to have an outlet to express these honest emotions in such a safe environment!

Please help me to remember where my refuge is and to make the time to come before you!

Amen

Eternal Perspective

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I’ve been thinking so much about this new perspective I have on life. It’s much more an “eternal” perspective. So much doesn’t matter now. Things I’ve fretted over and spent alot of time on – they are just not that important. I am joyful over the fact that this world of pain and heartbreak is NOT MY HOME! And, remember those treasures we are promised in Heaven? I imagine those to be my children, Lord willing, who will be there with my praising my Lord and King. THAT will be a wonderful day!!

Father,
You’ve decided in your Sovereign will that I am to stay on this earth awhile longer. And, I want to thank you for that responsibility. But you know that my heart has a chunk missing. Please heal me and give me a new heart so that I can minister to my family as I need to today and for all the remaining days.
Thank you that You’ve told us enough about Heaven to know that Joshie is in the best place possible. Help me to be able to say, like Eric, that I wouldn’t change that for anything. Because you know in my heart that I am selfish enough to have him leave perfection for more time with me.
Please be with J1 who has a fever today – and J2 who so wants to learn to read, but doesn’t want to do the work (sigh) – and J3 who just wants to play all day. Give me strength to keep up with them.
Father, the children are rising and my day must start….please order my day so it might glorify You!
Amen

Time continues…Life continues

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Time continues….life continues.

Will I always have this hole in my life? Will it always hurt to see Joshie’s pictures? Oh, I hope not.

We got away for a few days. I took this journal but Eric and I talked so much there was nothing left to write. It was a good time. I didn’t even realize the significance of the 22nd until the day. Was that a gift from God?

Today I was reading “Dare to trust, Dare to hope again” and she shared the following prayer:
“Creator God, you are sovereign; you know each day of my loved one’s life before he was born. Thank you for adding them to my life so that I could love him. I’ll never forget him.”
I miss Joshua so much…but I need to be grateful that he was in my life at all.

Father, you know the sadness in my heart. The longing to cradle my baby again…to rub my lips across his soft hair and nibble his fingers to hear his laughter. Please give me strength to face this day without those joys.
Please help me enjoy those in my life. Please help me to care for my children and strengthn me as I struggle to meet their needs and help them face their own grief.
Father, I’m leaning back on your strength. Please surround me with your love and help me see my life with that ‘eternal perspective’ that I’m trying to cultivate.
Amen

Sad News (losing Josh)

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am writing with some very terrible news – mostly because at a time like this, you need all the prayers you can get. Our son Joshua (8 months) died Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. at the Sutter Davis Hospital in Davis (the town next door to Woodland where we live). He had contracted RSV and Friday started having profound breathing difficulties. He saw the doctor Friday but didn’t respond very well to any treatment. We were told to keep an eye on him, keep doing what we were doing and wait out the RSV virus. Early Saturday morning, after 24 hours or so of such labored breathing, we decided to take him to the emergency room to see if perhaps they couldn’t pursue a little more agressive treatment to give him some relief. They immediately intubated him (his blood oxygen levels were in the 40’s) and he seemed to be stabilizing. They were going to transfer him to a pediatric specialty wing in their Sacramento hospital when his blood oxygen levels plummeted and soon after that, his heart rate began to drop. Eventually his heart stopped altogether and would not respond to any treatment.

It was the hardest thing in the world to leave our baby at that hospital that afternoon. It still doesn’t seem real – I can still hear his crying and feel his cheek against mine. But he is with the Lord now. And the hole in our hearts is like a giant chasm.

Please pray that God would sustain us and comfort us in this time of grief. Without Him, it seems to hard to bear. We will miss Joshua so much!

Thank you for praying.

Eric, for Amy

Wrapping up the Year

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Well, a blog will never work if I don’t upload what I write! So, look below for another post.

I thought – since our New Year’s plans were toasted since our two youngest are sick – that this would be a good time to look back on 2002.

2002 started with my oldest turning 7 and his first real birthday party. I was about 3 mos pregnant and just starting to feel a bit normal, but putting on that party was just too much! In fact, I ended up falling asleep just as the first guests arrived – ugh!

In May, Eric and I celebrated our 15 anniversary on the 23rd. The pregnancy hadn’t been going very well and I’d been on bed rest for many weeks by that point due to PIH and gestational diabetes. Let me tell you, bedrest with 3 children (who were 7, 5 and barely 18 mos old) was not fun! My MIL and mom came and stayed with me so to help with the boys as well as a few very faithful people from our church. By the week of our anniversary – I was going to Coos Bay for weekly ultrasounds and stress tests. They were concerned because my amniotic fluid was low. Finally, they decided to induce me on May 28th. They didn’t start the meds until midday, but nothing seemed to be going on. So, my doctor decided to let me get some sleep and start fresh the next morning. The nurse brought me a sleeping pill at 10 pm and my sister and I bedded down for the night. I couldn’t get comfortable and realized that the pain was labour! Here was the email that my sister sent out for me the next morning:

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Joshua Bruce Osborn arrived at 2:43am on May 29, 2002 in Coos Bay, Oregon. He weighed 6 lbs and 3 oz and measured 20-1/2 inches in length. His brothers J1 (7), J2 (5) and J3 (17 mos) are excited he’s finally here!! Amy is expected to be home on Friday and will share more about Joshua’s arrival then.
Eric, Proud Dad
P.S. – A little excerpt from Amy’s sister…. Amy did WONDERFUL!!! She started her induction at 1pm on Tuesday and nothing was happening all day. Eric and Mom left the hospital at 10:00pm for a night of rest since the Dr. seemed to think that nothing would happen and that he would bring the big drugs on the next morning. So, Amy and I settled down for a little rest and at 11:20 Amy kicked in! By 11:45 Amy was at 6 cm and starting to realize this was really happening (no turning back now). Needless to say, in the next 3 hours and only 4 pushes (that just doesn’t seem fair!!) there was Joshua!!! I’ll let Amy tell you all the rest!! Love you Sis!!!
Beth – Amy’s sister
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To be honest, most of the summer was a blur – breastfeeding did not go well at the beginning and Josh lost quite a bit of weight before he figured it out. A week after Josh was born, my DH resigned the pastoral position at our church. We had felt for a few years it was time to go home and that was our focus.

August 10th, we moved back and moved into my mom’s 4 bedroom home (she lives alone) and Eric has been faithfully looking for work. Right now he is working part-time at the university and at the local pregnancy support group as the Director of Development. He is considering get his teaching credentials, but the economy is so bad here we aren’t sure there will be many positions here in California. If you are a prayer warrior, please add us to your list!

Boy, this is getting long – In September we celebrated J2’s sixth birthday with his first party – and it was SOOOO great having family around to attend! The rest of the fall just flew by – until we are in our own residence, it feels like we are just visiting and I’m anxious to get settled!

In 2003, I hope:

…for Eric to have a fulltime job
……or enroll in a credential program
…to have a residence of our own
…to teach J2 how to read
…to continue to pay off our debt
…to finally update my webpage!