It’s October 1st. And, I feel a bit apprehensive. Regardless of exact dates, SOMETIME this month we will get more details about the baby girl. I’m eagerly anticipating ANY contact, any information. I’m pretty distracted by it.

Which, of course, means that I’ve got one of the busiest weeks before me!! Yikes! We’ve got homeschool, work, dentist appts, doctor appts, Knit Night, Scouts at all levels, including my shrinking Tiger den – down to three boys :(, all day tomorrow helping my mom with her dentist appt (she has to be transported and stayed with because of the medication), and we are finishing the week up with Olympics at the school and Eric preaching at our church!! And, in between all this I’ll be stalking the phone!

It also occurred to me this week, that the case workers, foster family, whoever, might end up on my blog at some point. For about 2 seconds I wondered if I should edit anything…and then I realized how stupid that was. I am who I am. I do not want to be anything or anyone else. If people can’t handle the truth of my grief journey or my anticipation about this adoption – then, that is their problem. I am who I am. And, I’m ok with that!

But I see I never posted the warning. If you are reading this from a RSS feed reader, you won’t notice a thing…but I gave my blog a bit of a seasonal update. I already miss my kids on the header – but maybe when we have our new addition, I’ll update it with 5 KIDS!! oh my – that might take some getting used to! 😉

So, today I updated WordPress – and now I can add color to my posts! Wonder what else I can do?!? Hmmm Darn, still can’t change the font, but I guess I’m ok with that. I’ll have to play around in here and see what else is here.

I’m still knitting like crazy as I wait, so please be sure to check out my knitting blog. And, of course, I’m praying – and I hope you are too! If the last court date was 9/5 then the next court date should be this next week. Which means we could hear something this week…but there is no guarantee! sigh

Well, I’m off to start some socks for J1 – and to pray! 🙂

It’s too early for news. And, I hate being in limbo! In my heart I know she will be my daughter. But there are so many things beyond our control. Not having a timeframe is absolute killer for me. I wonder if she’ll be with us for Christmas – I pray it is so – everyone should be with their family for Christmas!

I wonder if she’ll join us while she is still young enough to enjoy a sling — I wish I knew about them when J2 was so little and so fretful. I didn’t know about the benefits of attachment parenting back then – but I knew what my little guy needed to feel peaceful. I learned to do so much with one arm…a sling would have made things so much easier. J3 was almost too big for a sling when he joined our family….of course, it still didn’t occur to me that a sling would be helpful. It wasn’t until Joshua was born – and J3 was only 15 mos old – that I realized being one-armed-momma was not going to work! A friend made me some slings and it was perfect!!

I wonder if she has wavy blonde hair like J1 or straight dark hair like J2 & J3. I wonder if she even has hair.

I wonder what her name is now. I wonder if the name I have in my heart for her will fit her or if we’ll be scrambling for a new name like we did for J2.

I wonder is she sleeps fitfully like J2 or solid like J1 & J3.

I wonder if her laugh will sound like her brothers.

I wonder if she has any birth defects. Can the miracle of mostly healthy children continue? God truly protects these babies from the lifestyle they are subjected to before they are born!

So, I’m in limbo – have I said how much I dislike being in limbo?

“Why worry when you can pray?!?” I keep hearing that in my head…so I’m trying to make it a practice to stop and pray for specific things when I feel a bit of panic overtake me. If you want to join me in praying for our situation – here are some ideas on how to pray:

For the baby: This baby needs to be healed from the effects of drug use, alcohol use, lack of nutrition and sooo many other things. We need to be praising due to the fact that this baby made it this far…but she isn’t out of the woods yet. In fact, the tremors will most likely fade. She’ll grow stronger and start to thrive. But it is her brain that will probably be the most damaged. The problems may exhibit early and we’ll try to get the right interventions for her. OR they may not appear until she is school-age. But there will be some price paid by this baby for the addictions of her tummy-mommy.

For the foster family: They deal with some of the worst withdrawals. Often this is not the only baby for which they are caring. Pray for them to love this baby but give them patience for dealing with the court. Pray for patience for when I finally get their phone number and can call them wtih ALL my questions. 😉

For the caseworker: Pray that this person loves this baby and she not just another case. In our experience these people are unselfish and overworked. They go above and beyond. Please pray that this person has patience with us and be willing to work with us to bring this baby girl home sooner than later.

For the Judge and the Court: Please pray that the court dates be easy to make and honored by all parties. Please pray that they see how much it would be to our family’s benefit to have this baby home with us as soon as possible. Please pray that they consider our request to adopt with favor. Please pray that they understand our strengths and weaknesses and make best choice for this baby – even if that means not with us.

For Us: Please pray that we continue to be united in our desire to have this baby join our family. Pray that all the other things we are doing this Fall and Spring go smoothly so as not to add more stress to our lives. Finances, communication, J1’s Mexico trip and upcoming surgery, Boy & Cub Scouts, J2’s ongoing learning struggles, fitting another person into this small – but adequate – house. Please pray that should the court decide we are not to adopt this baby, that we accept that as the Lord’s will too.

For Others: Just this morning I found out that a friend’s life has pretty much fallen apart. Today there are important events that determine what will happen to their family. Please join me in praying for her and others who have much more imediate needs that us!

I can’t do this!!

Yes, yes, we all know I’m notoriously bad at keeping secrets! But added to that – this is my journal!! This is where I record my random thoughts to help me understand what I’m feeling. This is where I share my fears and my victories…well, sometimes…sometimes it’s just where I whine and talk about yarn…but I TRY to be deeper than that somedays!

So, here’s what’s up! Tuesday at 4:53pm we got a call. Caller ID said “No Name, No Number” which normally means we would let the call go to voice mail. But the house was pretty chaotic at the time – DH and boys just got home, a friend was just leaving – and I answered it. Thank God I did!!

The man asked for me and said he was Charlie/Charles (it was a blur) from OR DHS. (Wait, you all know that our boys are adopted, right? And, that they are all bio-related, right?) It seems that our birth mom (we call her “Tummy Mommy”) had another baby. A girl. In July. There will be a court date in approximately one month to establish a plan (adoption) for the baby. We need to consider, as family, if we want to be considered.

At one point I looked at Eric to give him a “Do-You-Realize-What-This-Call-Is??” Look and he was on his face. I can’t say if he was praying or crying or both. But we were both terrified.

“What ifs” are flying around us constantly. Do they know how old we are? Do they know we don’t have any girls? Do we know anyone who has a crib? WHY did we get rid of everything? Will triple bunks fit in our house? Will we have to move? Will we need bigger vehicles?

and quieter we ask … Do they know Josh died? Will they trust us? Do we trust us? Is this a joke? Can we do this again? Will they say no after we say yes? Will they determine we are not acceptable?

Today, at J2’s gymnastics – I noticed little girls.

  • They are everywhere.
  • Their hair is always in their eyes.
  • They touch people when they talk to them.
  • They sit still.
  • They wear pink and little shorts under dresses.
  • They ask questions like “do you like my pretty?”
  • and they look at you while you tell them “Yes, I do like it.”

This is going to be a long month while we wait for them to contact us again! PLEASE pray for us!!