No Time to blog

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I’ve been working and knitting and caring for sicks kids and blowing my nose and I’m just exhausted!

  • Work – still loving my job! A bit of a change might mean less hours for me but we’ll have to see. Definitely, getting a new employee up to speed is going to take some extra time. A friend of mine is going to start working with me! Yeah!! I will continue what I’m doing while shifting a few things to her. She starts on Friday – I can’t wait!
  • Knitting – Finished mom’s birthday socks. Started the Secret of the Stole 2 and making a little something for JGirl. I’ll try to take pics when it’s done.
  • Sick Kids – Yep. J3 has been home sick – which J1 and J2 seem to believe means they should have sick days too! LOL Sorry – homeschoolers don’t get sick days! LOL

Just wanted you to know I was still alive. Just busy. I did call the fostermom to find out what size JGirl is so I could knit her something. No reply. Guess I should call the caseworker. Hate to bug her over something so simple. We are on day 6 of the 10 day period for the ruling to be contested. No new news.

A few stories

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I have a horrible memory after losing Joshua. I don’t know if it’s the grief or the effects of my sleep apnea before diagnosis…but I can’t remember very much.

Fortunately, my hubby (and his family) are story tellers. So they keep reminding me of funny things my kids do. I was reading Amy’s blog today – one of her kids was too funny and it reminded me a of a funny story. Hope it makes you smile 🙂

When J1 was 4 and J2 was 2 – we were really trying to teach J1 that he had a choice – a good choice or a bad choice – and the choice would have consequences – a good consequence or a bad consequence. We were using simpler language of course! Well, J1 did something – no idea what – and Eric said “Well, J1, what will you choose? (no reply) “You need to choose.” (no reply) Now, getting frustated “Choose!” and little J2 pipes up “Choose nany!!” Nany=Candy! 😉 edited to add – no, candy was never a good consequence, it was just a favorite treat!

Another time – someone (I can’t remember who – my mom? my mil?) said to J1 “Didn’t you hear a little voice tell you that it wasn’t a good idea?” to which he replied “Yeah, J2….but then he did it too!” 😉

I wish I could remember more – maybe I’ll ask Eric to start blogging all our family stories so I don’t have to worry about losing my memories!

Tell me what you think….

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1)  Do you think it’s too soon to change my header?  Should I wait until she is really here?

2)  I’m not happy with the nickname “Princess” – mainly because it’s too long to type lol and I think she’s going to be spoiled enough without the title too!  So, I thought of some other options

  • Lil Miss
  • Jgirl
  • CJ
  • Missie

But to be honest, I’m not thrilled with any of them or I’d already be using it! LOL  So let me know if you like one of these or if you have another idea.

Battling for Peace

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This is one of those posts that I’ll write but then wonder if I should post…days later I’ll wonder if I should have posted it…and weeks later wonder if anyone would notice if I delete it.

When we were planning J1’s 13th birthday party, Eric ordered the family crest. I noticed it included the latin words “Pax In Bello“. Knowing a bit of Eric’s family history I knew they were warriors. And, I knew enough Latin to know that Pax is peace. So, that was a bit confusing.

I googled the phrase and found the following:

pax in bello peace in war

I had to stop and consider the concept. It could be that in the midst of war/strife, there can be peace. I know that is true. But it could also be there is a battle for peace. And, boy do I know that to be true.

For as long as I’ve called myself an adult, the enemy of my soul has worked hard to make sure I believe I’m not good enough, not adequate to the task, not acceptable, not as good as _____.

During Seminary, I had to realize that comparing myself to others was a waste of time and energy. I had to accept who I was and who I wasn’t. At some point, I came to peace with who I was in ministry. I became comfortable with my role.
Then I struggled with infertility. I started comparing myself to other women. I was deficient. To be honest, even after adopting and giving birth…I still battle at times with peace in this area.

Homeschooling is another area where comparing myself to others is a bad idea. And, added to it is the comparison of my boys to other children. My head knows this is a waste of time and fruitless. The blessing of home school is that I can create a specialized education for each of my children. I’m not educating the neighbors’ children. I’m educating them. I can trust God to help me meet the special needs of my boys and I’m blessed to have many resources so I’m not alone.

And though I gain victory in some areas for awhile, it is still a battle. Will it always be a battle? Will I never gain contentment and be able to stay there? Am I foolish to think that it’s attainable here on earth?

I can’t tell you how many times I cry out to the Lord for just a few moments of peace. Not just quiet (though as a mom of boys – you know I’d love a bit of that too! 😉 but contentment. No striving for the next thing. Not wishing I had something that I don’t. Not worrying about what will happen and when it will happen.

I know in the next few days the struggle for peace will be harder than ever. My head knows that we are looking at another delay – maybe even 3 to 6 mos at the least. My heart struggles to accept that. And, my heart knows that another anniversary is coming – one I wish I could block out. It’s almost been 5 years. How in the world have I made it this far? It feels a bit dishonorable that I am doing as well as I am.

I don’t want to burden my family and local friends with my lack of peace, so I turn to you all again. I know there are prayer warriors praying for me. I know the Spirit moves you to pray for me when I feel most alone. Maybe I should say my head knows these things. My heart is feeling alone. And, yes, I know how twisted that is – I know I’m alone because I’m hiding my emotions. But I’m afraid that if I try to talk about them, the emotions will overwhelm me. It’s that darn box again. If I’m going to be able to continue the things I need to do to keep the family going, I need to govern my emotions.

Wow – I’m rambling. Forgive me. But it feels better to get some of the emotions out – and journaling has never let me down!