Journey through Grief

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I’ve been thinking alot about Josh as February 22 approaches.  I wonder what our life would look like if life had been different.  Could I handle 4 boys?  I know I’d be a different person if I hadn’t been through this trial.  Would I have been stronger? Would I have been more together?  Would I be able to remember more things?  My memory is still very sketchy at best.  My mom is constantly amazed at what I can’t remember. lol  I’m getting used to it.

I saw a horrific accident on the way to the Drs yesterday…it was too horrible to describe here.  Just believe me that death in real life does not look like anything you imagine.  As I drove past,  I felt a familiar panic feeling well up – I realized it was the same panic I felt as I watched the ER team work on Joshua.   I worked on calming down but, again, I could not.  I was sort of a mess at the doctor’s office – great first impression I imagine.  How can you explain to people the panic?  The irrational feelings?

People expect that four years later the pain is less.  I know I do!  But darn…it isn’t!  I just try to avoid anything that will cause me to remember.  Anything that will cause me to remember those emotions….the sense of loss and pain.  But it’s still there.  There will always be a hole in me.  I will always be incomplete.  I’m trying to make peace with this.

Hey – don’t comment if you are going to tell me that everything will be all right.  I don’t want to hear it.  And, it’s a lie.

Miscellaneous

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First – Julie – check out this link RE podcasts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Podcast I’m sure you can find some scrappin’ podcasts out there! I’ve listened to a few podcasts on knitting – haven’t found a favorite yet – but if you are knitter, check out this one!

Feeling sad today. No real reason why – maybe it’s the weather. Persevering – it seems to be my middle name lately. Just keep doing what needs to be done – maybe my heart will catch up with me someday.

On the Needles – Purple socks in Cascade Fixation in this pattern. They are looking pretty small – I just keep reminding myself that they are elastic and will feel great! I put the black scarf in the frog pond…something was going wrong on the side and I could not fix it.

Tonight DH and I are going out to dinner to celebrate a couple of birthdays – Eric & Jim both are getting older! Hoping it’s a good time – hoping I’m out of this fog by then.
It’s so great to know there are 5 of you out there reading my blog!! It’s so nice to know I’m not talking to myself! 😉 I’m thinking about dressing up my blog with some country graphics – not sure if I’m up for the work, but I miss some of the fun graphics I’ve bought over the years. Every time I visit Julie’s blog I think I need to pretty up my blog! Speaking of blogs – CC – I’ve requested three times to be able to read your blog. Are you getting my messages or are you saying no?

Well, I’ve put off working and doing laundry long enough – sorry I wasn’t saying much. This blanket of sadness is pretty overwhelming today!

Verbalizing

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What do you think about verbalizing? I have a belief that if I say something – it makes it real. But I also know that sometimes just the act of saying something outloud takes it’s ‘power’ away. It’s a conflict I face everytime I try to write here or try to talk about big things.

Maybe they are both true. Maybe when I express my fears they become real…but I also realize they are powerless. When I worry about something it grows until it overshadows everything. But when the words are spoken – they are just words. Even shouted words are not that big. And, I’m never speaking into a void – so someone is carrying part of that scary idea.

There are things I need to talk about … that need to have their power removed. But I’ve got to get over the fear of actually speaking the words….giving the fear validity.

Depressed

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I’ve been depressed for a few days. I wake up sad. I mope around the house. Almost everything I need to do is too much effort. The things I previously enjoyed don’t interest me anymore.

I am doing what I did early days of our grief … getting up and doing what I need to do ANYWAY. So things are getting done. I’m getting up and dressed everyday. There is a minimal impact on those around me.

But I hate living this way. I hate that I can’t shake these feelings and be myself. I feel like there is a blanket of grief over me again. Lord I do NOT want to stay here! Help me do what I need to do. Help me ‘wake up’ emotionally again!