Today DH went to Joshua’s grave. He goes several times during the year. He changes the flowers and sometimes puts something there for the holiday. I don’t go. Ever. I was there on February 29, 2003 when we had his memorial. Then maybe once more when DH took all of us. But not since then. I won’t go. That is NOT how I want to memorialize him.
But DH goes faithfully. He goes alone. Does he want to be alone? What does he do out there? Am I a bad wife because I don’t go with him?
Just wondering…
I was looking for a specific picture of our family to post online – and I ended up looking at the pictures I have in a folder of Joshie – and now I’m just a mess again. I try not to look at the pictures of him in our house. I can’t even dust them. It took a huge compromise on my behalf to even let DH put them up. Now I’ve trained my eyes to look but not see.
Wow, if that’s not denial I don’t know what is! I’m not getting better, I’m just getting better at not dealing with it. I’m afraid one of these days I’m just going to have a complete breakdown when it all comes tumbling down.
And, yet….I know he’s gone. I grieve his loss almost daily. Everything I do is peppered by the fact that someone is missing. To lose a child is horrible, but to lose a child at that stage of life…..where I was his main sustanence and caretaker. It took weeks for me to quit waking at night to feed him.
Holidays are hard because the family gets together but part of my family is gone. Everyone moves on with their life, no matter how close they were to him. There are new babies to coo over. There are new traditions started that he’ll never know. And sometimes the truth that we will be reunited is pale to the fact that he is not here now. That I’ve been robbed of the joy of watching him grow up.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand. Maybe that is what faith is – not understanding but you continue on anyway. Maybe it’s not that simple but for me to continue to live….to continue to trust the Lord…it’s taking so much of me.
Edited to add – please don’t think I’m falling apart – I’m just processing my grief. Better to get it out than to keep it in. The one thing I’ve noticed is that people are so uncomfortable with other people’s grief that they want them to get medication or ‘see someone’. Grief just sucks and takes time! As my DH’s grandpa used to say, “It will feel better when it quits hurting” – somethings just take time.
Eric said today that he believes our loss of Josh is something that will always be there – just below the surface and able to come up whenever it gets bumped. This weekend it got bumped.
Saturday we went to another memorial service. Another good friend – an awesome Christian – lost her battle with cancer. I don’t grieve for Nancy – she is much better off – but I grieve for those of us who are left behind. Her husband and her children will always miss her – and time doesn’t help. And knowing that she is with our Saviour doesn’t help. I guess I’m just too selfish – I want them to be with ME!
Then today before Sunday School a new friend wanted us to know that she was working at the hospital where Josh died on the night he died. She didn’t know us then of course, but she started to put things together as she got to know us. She obviously wanted to talk about that night (well, we think of it as morning, but that is how she put it) and we obliged her – but then all during Sunday school I just felt dead. And I realized I’m never going to “get over this”. Time does NOT heal a wound like this. Maybe I’ll get better at hiding the pain – but I better get used to this pain…I think we are going to have a lifelong relationship.
Now I know there will be some who read this post and pity me because I’m not being “joyful in the Lord”. Don’t get me wrong – there IS joy in my life. I’m no longer ruled by this pain. But I’m realizing that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.
Job 1:21b “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
On a happy note – I got a treat from my new secret pal at church! A gift certificate for JoAnns! What a great pal!! So this afternoon I treated myself to some black microspun yarn and I’m going to knit a stole that I can wear with almost anything and it will be nice enough for church! Bless you Secret Pal – you’ve been a blessing to me!!
Friday morning we woke up early to travel 8 hours to Brookings, OR to attend the Memorial Service for our friend, Gregg Elrod. Well, I was going to attend….Eric was officiating.
J1 was excited to be going to school without Daddy!! He was getting a ride with a local family (there are only 2 other families in our town who attend the school 20 miles away) and was hoping for a playdate after school too! J3 was going to get a ride to preschool with Grandma O and Grammy would be meeting his bus at noon. And J2 was excited because he didn’t have any school work but would spend the morning with Grandma O at the health club – I think swimming was in his future.
Unfortunately, J3 woke up with the phrase “I didn’t know today was tomorrow” and dissolved in tears. Fortunately there was time for cuddles and reassurances that he wouldn’t miss anything and that we would call him every day. When he understood the tears stopped and he was his normal cheerful self!
On the road we did lots of talking – love traveling with my husband – and were surprised when we made great time! LOL Traveling IS faster/easier without kids! I almost didn’t have enough time to finish crocheting the shawl for my friend (the best thing I was given after Josh died was a soft blanket – I didn’t have the $$ or time to make a blanket – so the shawl was a nice substitute.)
The Memorial was very nice – I couldn’t share my memories cause I knew I’d cry too much – but I plan to type them up and send them to the family! I felt better when I found out Eric skipped parts of what he planned to say based on the fact that he knew he’d break down too.
***Well, I’ve been trying to write this for a week at this point I’m just going to post this as is***
Except I want to add – on our way out of town we couldn’t find Dixie to say goodbye- she’d gone out to breakfast with her folks. So we left messages on her cell phones – one of which had a recording of Gregg’s voice saying “Hi – I’m not here right now…” and it was so great to hear his voice and realize he’s much better off where he is now! So, he’s not here – but the absence is merely temporary until we are all reunited again. Praise the Lord!
Well, our friend died last Friday night. I’ve not written sooner because it caused so many new thoughts and emotions. I felt guilty because my first feeling was relief that it was over. Gregg has left a wife and two young sons (17 and 14) — they need a Dad and Husband – a healthy one too. But then I remember we all had about 11 years of Gregg that we might never have gotten if the Lord hadn’t done a work in him. And, what a work He did.
I wonder if my own loss would have been easier if there had been some lingering or if I would have only built up foolish hopes and hurts. While it is so easy to trace the way God’s Sovreign purposes worked in Gregg’s situation – postponing his death for several years – when I look at Josh’s short life – I don’t see it. I will probably never understand why God gave us Josh after 14 years of infertility to only take him away at such a young age.
