Today DH went to Joshua’s grave. He goes several times during the year. He changes the flowers and sometimes puts something there for the holiday. I don’t go. Ever. I was there on February 29, 2003 when we had his memorial. Then maybe once more when DH took all of us. But not since then. I won’t go. That is NOT how I want to memorialize him.
But DH goes faithfully. He goes alone. Does he want to be alone? What does he do out there? Am I a bad wife because I don’t go with him?
Just wondering…
oh honey. Don’t feel bad. He’s not there anymore. As a matter of fact, that’s the very reason I told my husband to make sure I am ashes and spread over our favorite surf spot, so that no one will ever feel obligated to visit a sad graveyard. instead they can celebrate life at our favorite spot by surfing there!
your husband needs to show his grief that way, it makes him feel better to have something tangible to do. You do it another way. please don’t think you are a bad mother! (((hug)))
Amy, I think that going to a gravesite is a way for people to tangibly work out their grief. I think it is a safe place where it is okay to be sad, confused, cry and people do not question it. I think most people and especially Christians like Eric do not believe that the person is actually there. It’s not a way to remember the person as being dead, but a way to physically say “I acknowledge that you were here!” “I have not forgotten you.” “It still hurts me that you are not with us!” I don’t go because I’m 800 miles away, but when I go to my Dad and brother’s grave it is usually to pray to God for my continued healing in grief. When you can and are able, I think you should ask him what he thinks about it, what it does for him, how it helps him. I would venture to guess that he would not go there if it meant the same thing to him as it does to you. And while he may wish that he could share more of his grief or his visits with you, I really don’t think he would consider you a “bad wife”…he loves you even when he doesn’t understand the way you grieve. I think the problems spring up when there is no understanding between a couple, when you both assume and one or both of you are assuming wrong. Everyone has their own way of facing grief…and if the two of you do it differently, that doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong. But communication will help to keep that grief from separating you. I love you! {{{Hugs}}}