Category Archives: Grieving

I found this on another grieving mom’s site – it’s so perfectly true:
PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I am doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

By Elizabeth Dent

Tonight is one of those nights…everything is normal….but I notice the loss.

I wonder what one more boys voice would add to the chaos. I dream of watching Josh (who would be 3 now) play with J3 (4) in one room while the “Big Boys” play the game system in the other. I pretend I’m glad there is only three boys to clean up after, try to keep clothed and presentable.

My head tells my heart that we are doing ok. But there are nights like tonight where I can see, feel and hear the loss.

I’ve been in a funk. There is no reason I should be in a funk. It’s not February….it’s not May (Josh’s birth month)…the sun is shining….things are growing…each day holds potential.

And, maybe that’s part of the problem. I struggle with wanting to go forward and knowing that part of me is forever rooted in February 22, 2003. No matter what…my life is different. I will never be the person I was going to be. I’ll never life the life I was going to live.

You know – right after Josh died I wanted to get a tattoo. Something permanent to help me remember him. Now I can laugh at that (just a little 😉 because I know there is something permanent – and I will never forget him. I can’t ever tell you what that something is…it just is ‘something’. It’s the new way I look at things. It’s the way I can’t look at family photographs and wonder where he would be in the picture – figure out how old he’d be on that date – try to picture him there. It’s the way I feel like I am missing something all the time – that I’ve misplaced something and I can’t find it. These things have permanently marked me in a way a tatoo never could.

I’m not the same… and I will never forget.

I’ve not wanted to write here….cause I hate bringing you down. But this is MY place to write, MY place to vent and I need to let off some of the pressure.

I feel like I’ve put my grieving into a box and the lid stays on it except for those days when I am strong enough to wear it again or those days when the lid just bursts off and I can’t do anything else but wear my grief.

Writing about my grief has given me a chance to peek into the box without overwhelming me with all of it. I have the opportunity to look at it in a way that I can handle. But since I’ve joined some knitting rings, I’ve felt like I needed to have more ‘normal’ content. But now I realize how much I need to write…how much the pressure of the contents of my box screams for attention.

I won’t be offended if you don’t read my blog – but if I don’t have an outlet for this crap – It’s going to overtake my life. And, I can’t afford to do that. My other boys are very loving and understanding, but they deserve a sane mommy. A mommy who can attend to their needs and doesn’t stay in bed all the time. A mommy who they don’t have to worry about….I never want them to question if I loved them so little that I didn’t try to keep going for their sake.

Thursday night I went to bed anticipating my friend Naomi’s baby’s impending birth – we were all guessing about the baby’s size, weight, name – all those things we do at times like these. I awoke on Friday to the news that her daughter, Lillian, had been born still.

This, of course, brought back all the memories! Oh, if I could only spare another mother from those feelings!! And, I have such guilt that I had 9 mos of Joshie to hold and cuddle – Naomi never got that with Lillian!

But the Lord is good. I’m confident that these babies are better off where they are now.

Going to keep this short for now as it’s still a bit too raw…I want to say more but need to process my feelings more. Please keep Naomi and J3 in your prayers!

Today I’m cohosting (with my sister Beth) a baby shower for our sister-in-law Christy. Ironic, huh? Grieving and celebration….Lord, give me strength!