Category Archives: Grieving

Tomorrow it will have been 6 mos since losing Josh. I feel sick to my stomach already. So much garbage is going on in our life right now. I just pray that we can make it to 1 year together as a family. If you pray, prayers for our family would be so appreciated. So many things are coming at us all at once and we need a break…a big one!

I’ve been plagued with guilt off and on since losing Josh. And, it’s been hitting me hard again…we try so hard to do what is right and bad things still happen.

I struggled and struggled to breastfeed Josh – he was my only birth child and the only one for whom I could do this. Also, my Dh had many allergies as a child and his mother wondered if not bf him made them worse. I was pretty stubborn and it took several weeks before we got it figured out. He was small to start with…and never looked very ‘healthy’ until just a couple of months before he died.

Just last night I found a folder from last year’s fair in August where his picture was taken for an id card – he’s so small it was shocking. (I’ve rarely looked at pics or video because it’s so painful)

I started feeling again that maybe the fact he had such a rough start and my insistence on breastfeeding him might have made the difference in him living or dying. Maybe if he had been bigger, his heart could have handled it and he wouldn’t have died

I so just want all this to be a horribly bad dream and wake up to his smiling face. But time moves on and he’s gone.

My head tells me that he’s in heaven and that I’ll be reunited with him soon…but my heart still aches.

It’s been 5 months since we’ve lost Joshie. It occured to me last night that pretty quick he’ll have been gone longer than he lived. What an incredibly sad thought to me.

I’m turning 37 in a few months. And, I’m back to thinking that maybe we should take steps to not have any more children. Just say that these 4 boys were enough. But then I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so hard or so painful this time. Maybe I’d not have the problems I had before. But of course, there are no guarantees.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m not ready to make a decision. And, it feels pretty good to give that decision to the Lord and say, do what you will. It’s very similar to allowing my parent make a decision for me when I was a child – I knew that I wasn’t competent to make the decisions and felt a sense of security that they wanted my best and would decide what was best. Is that faith? I think so. I have Faith that whatever the Lord decides in this matter, we will live through it and, no matter how hard it might be at the time, we can rest in the fact that it is for our good.

Hmm…it’s funny where your mind will take you when you just let it go!

Sounds like we’ve heard about the last of Joshie’s medical bills (tomorrow being the last day they can issue a bill)…though we’ve not seen them. I’ve tried to make sure I had enough set aside for that bill but it appears that I am going to be about 800 off. I’m frustrated, sad, and just weary of all this. I’m going to look at our bills tonight and make sure that’s all I’m off. Please pray for me as I do this. DH and I haven’t agreed at times about repaying this bill. He says they can get $5 a month for the rest of his life for all he cares. But I know that I can’t handle opening and paying that bill each month. I NEED it to be paid as soon as possible.

Thanks for listening…I just needed to not carry this alone.

I’ve not been able to post to this journal because unless I shared what I was struggling with….then the purpose of this journal is a joke. Did you even know I had a purpose? LOL Well, I do! I want to share my heart – my journey back to joy after losing Josh. It’s like cheap therapy for me. And, I’m gotten some great feedback from people who are faithful to read this or just happen upon this journey’s journal.

So, here is what I’ve been struggling with….the last thing I said to Josh was that it was all going to be alright. But it wasn’t! And, I can just see him looking up at me while I took off his soft white jammies. He just looked at me in that way he did – like he could see into my heart. And, then a doctor grabbed him and soon it was all over. I didn’t take care of him – it wasn’t all right! I’ve been torturing myself with this memory and the guilt of …. well, everything. 🙁

I finally told my husband what I’ve been dealing with and he reminded me that the Drs and coroner said he was in perfect health other than the RSV and pneumonia…he wanted me to know that we did everything we could. And, I know that. I know it was a freak incident and that everyone did everything they could/should/would have done. But my baby is still dead…and a Mommy is supposed to take care of babies! Babies aren’t supposed to die anymore!

Well, I’m now puddling everywhere and my boys are very worried about me. I could say more…but until the Lord gives me release from this, it won’t edify anyone so maybe I should just shut up.

Things to remember….

… when Josh died he got ‘instant eternity’ — no more pain, no grief, no chance to refuse the gift of eternal life.

… this life I’m living is just going to be a short time compared to the eternity I will have with my Lord.

… Time + Conflict = Change (thanks to Beth Moore for this equation) – Through this conflict/trial added to time, I’m going to be changing (Lord willing) into a better servant for Him.

Grief is so wearying…please pray for me!