I’ve been plagued with guilt off and on since losing Josh. And, it’s been hitting me hard again…we try so hard to do what is right and bad things still happen.
I struggled and struggled to breastfeed Josh – he was my only birth child and the only one for whom I could do this. Also, my Dh had many allergies as a child and his mother wondered if not bf him made them worse. I was pretty stubborn and it took several weeks before we got it figured out. He was small to start with…and never looked very ‘healthy’ until just a couple of months before he died.
Just last night I found a folder from last year’s fair in August where his picture was taken for an id card – he’s so small it was shocking. (I’ve rarely looked at pics or video because it’s so painful)
I started feeling again that maybe the fact he had such a rough start and my insistence on breastfeeding him might have made the difference in him living or dying. Maybe if he had been bigger, his heart could have handled it and he wouldn’t have died
I so just want all this to be a horribly bad dream and wake up to his smiling face. But time moves on and he’s gone.
My head tells me that he’s in heaven and that I’ll be reunited with him soon…but my heart still aches.
