Old struggle

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I woke up sad again today. At first, I was pretty dismayed but I think I figured out part of what is going on while I was folding/sorting Sissy’s clothes. (Sidenote…as much as I hate chores, they are great as mindless activities while I can think.)

So, while yesterday was a great day – I still came away sad. And, that was pretty confusing to me.

But then I realized that every time I was asked how many children I had or their ages, I was struggling. I was struggling whether or not to include Joshua. When will this get easier??

Allowing Sadness

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Today has been a long day. A good day, but a long day. Today was the reunion of my youth group. It was not well attended but I really enjoyed the folks who did show up. We are hoping to maybe organize something bigger in 2011. I seem to be the only one saying that though – and I can’t/won’t do it alone, so we’ll see what happens.

Other big news is that today our adoption papers arrived in the mail. I just need to seal the envelope and drop it back in the mail on Monday. Then it’s waiting for the judge to sign and send us the documentation that what has already happened in our hearts is legal on paperwork.

But on top of all this great stuff, I’m feeling sad. I know that it’s probably just a combination of weariness and well, sadness over some situations in our life we can’t change. But it’s there. Sometimes I think I deny the sadness of a situation and then it catches up with me when I feel weary. And, boy, am I weary. So, I guess I’m allowing myself to be sad.

Please don’t feel like you need to cheer me up. By the time you read this I will have had a good night’s sleep and be back to my normal joy-seeking personality. But sometimes even the most optimistic people feel sad.

Today’s Fortune

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Today is a hard day for me.   After a morning of ceramics at the Pence Gallery in Davis I took J2 and J3 out for Chinese.  And my fortune was “Your ability to love will help a child in need.”

J2 response was “You already do that Mom!”

Something I’ll cherish on these hard days.

6 years

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It’s been over six years since Joshua died.

After the funeral someone (my sister, my husband, my mom, me???) boxed up all his blankets, clothes, toys, and whatever reminded us of him.

The 4 tubs were at my mom’s house for the first couple of years.  Then we put them in storage and now they are in our garage.

Until today.

Right now my MIL and Hubs are sorting through everything to either keep as a momento or give to charity.  I’ve tried to do it many times but I couldn’t.  I still can’t.  I’m in here hiding because I can’t handle whatever is in those boxes. But I also hate knowing they are out there too.  We just don’t have room to store them forever and it really doesn’t seem healthy to hold onto them for no purpose.  So I’ll be glad when it’s done.

It’s like a bandaid that’s been on too long.  I need it to be taken off but I am afraid of the pain that will come with it’s removal.  Right now I just want them to hurry up and rip it off already.