Shock

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Something has always bugged me about the morning that Joshua died.  I was standing in the ER – and we knew by the way the Dr took him away from us that something was very wrong.  Everyone in the room was moving very fast and talking quietly.  I was holding my coat in front of me and … just watching.  I don’t know where Eric was, but I know he was there.  I could only watch the bed where Joshua laid.

But I was not upset.  I was just standing there.  At one point a nurse tried to get me to sit down, but I couldn’t take my eyes away even for a moment.  To be honest, I was a little insulted that she thought I was that weak.  I wasn’t going to faint.  I had never been so focused.

Today I was listening to a story on NPR’s “This American Life” podcast where a young man was in an accident – he was driving and a bicyclist swerved in front of him and he hit her.  He described a moment after the accident like this:

I had the strangest feeling that everyone was responding appropriately to what have been an emergency.  But I still didn’t have a feeling there was anything to freak out about.  This was something that was being fixed.

That struck a chord with me.  I was so sure that the Drs could fix Joshua.  I think 90% of my earliest grief was simple shock.  I had taken my child to the ER and they were unable to fix him.

It has always bothered me that I didn’t somehow worry more about Joshua.  That I didn’t wail….cry….faint.  I just stood there and watched.  I watched him die.  I will never be able to get rid of those memories.  And, I’ve been ashamed that I didn’t respond emotionally.  In fact, at some point in the ER I shut everything down emotionally – I put it in the box. The box that 5 years later I can just barely peek into.

I know this won’t make sense to most of my visitors….and I pray you never will understand.

May 29, 2008

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Joshua would have been 6 yrs old today. I think I hate the words would, should and all those words that I use when I wish for something that can’t be.

Every year it gets ‘easier’ – but maybe we are busier.

I cry less – but maybe I just cry less in public.

I still can’t look at his pictures without crying. I can’t watch the video and hear his cries. I can’t visit his grave or listen to others talk about it visiting it. I’m ok with that. I hope others are too.

“How many children do you have?”

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An innocent question. Even something to fill the space when you meet someone new.

But it totally paralyzes me.

In an instant, I’m weighing how much I want to tell. I’m trying to judge if this is a sincere question or a time-filler? I’m wondering if this person will be part of our life and thus worthy of our ‘story’ or just an acquaintance who doesn’t really care.

So, sometimes I simply say “one girl and 3 boys” and sometimes I say “5 children, but we lost one.” Which of course makes the acquaintance’s eyes bug out as they try to figure out how to get away! LOL

Curious or just rude?

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Even though I’m shy and an introvert, I’m a pretty open person. Pretty much, with me, what you see is what you get. I’ve talked freely about my infertility, adoptions and grief. I’ve always felt like ‘if you want to know, then I want to tell you’. I believe that I have a responsibility to educate people about infertility, adoption and grief. I want to make sure my friends and family understand the truth about these things so they can combat the myths that are out there.

But I’ve really been puzzled lately. I have been bombarded by strangers and acquaintances asking the most intimate questions. They ask about the foster home – like they are looking for something wrong! They ask about our ‘tummy mommy’ – right in front of my kids!! After I tell them JGirl’s name, they ask what her birthmom named her! Don’t they understand that if I didn’t already tell them, it’s not their business?!?

I understand people are curious – but why do strangers and acquaintances think they have ANY right to ask these questions?

Don’t worry – I’m coming up with some stock replies. I’m tired of giving answers I’m not comfortable with because I can’t think of anything else to say! If you have some suggestions (and I know there are some VERY experienced mommies reading this blog) – please feel free to give them to me!

Hmm…just wondering…is this something other mommies deal with? Are you having complete strangers/acquaintances ask you intimate questions about your family and children? Is it our culture? Does the reality tv generation feel like it’s the norm to be told everything about their neighbors?

Edited to add – NO one who reads my blog has asked a question like this – either in real life or online.  These are truly people I have just met or barely know.  Just in case anyone was worrying! 😉