Even though I’m shy and an introvert, I’m a pretty open person. Pretty much, with me, what you see is what you get. I’ve talked freely about my infertility, adoptions and grief. I’ve always felt like ‘if you want to know, then I want to tell you’. I believe that I have a responsibility to educate people about infertility, adoption and grief. I want to make sure my friends and family understand the truth about these things so they can combat the myths that are out there.
But I’ve really been puzzled lately. I have been bombarded by strangers and acquaintances asking the most intimate questions. They ask about the foster home – like they are looking for something wrong! They ask about our ‘tummy mommy’ – right in front of my kids!! After I tell them JGirl’s name, they ask what her birthmom named her! Don’t they understand that if I didn’t already tell them, it’s not their business?!?
I understand people are curious – but why do strangers and acquaintances think they have ANY right to ask these questions?
Don’t worry – I’m coming up with some stock replies. I’m tired of giving answers I’m not comfortable with because I can’t think of anything else to say! If you have some suggestions (and I know there are some VERY experienced mommies reading this blog) – please feel free to give them to me!
Hmm…just wondering…is this something other mommies deal with? Are you having complete strangers/acquaintances ask you intimate questions about your family and children? Is it our culture? Does the reality tv generation feel like it’s the norm to be told everything about their neighbors?
Edited to add – NO one who reads my blog has asked a question like this – either in real life or online. These are truly people I have just met or barely know. Just in case anyone was worrying! 😉
It’s probably just curiosity… But it’s something they should learn to keep to themselves. There are MANY questions that I would like to ask some of my blogging friends, because I am dying of curiosity… But I also know it’s none of my business, so I don’t ask. *shrugs* … Maybe some people just haven’t learned to mind their own business? (Like my husband! *lol*)
Well, given my airplane experience, I’d say people just don’t get it that certain things are more private/personal to other folks than they see them as being. Are we rude puposely, or just thoughtless, as in we JUST DON’T THINK!
I’m so sad to hear that people ask those questions in front of the children. It strikes me as incredibly insensitive. Hope you find words that work for you let those people know how inappropriate it is for them to be asking those questions.
I have had it also….and I am quite open with our story. The one I’ll never will forget is….”Are your children brother and sister?” in front of my daughter when she was 3. I didn’t even understand what she meant at first….of course they are!!! Regardless of birth mom(s). I love your blog and am praying for your family.
One time I told someone that my kids had 7 different Dads. It shut them up that is for sure! I think they had asked something about where the kids had “come from”.
The question I hate the most is “which ones are really yours?”. I normally tell them they are all mine! Sometimes if they insist I tell them that Laura and Bekah are the two that are really mine. (Laura and Bekah are our not even of the same race and color as I am.)
Sometimes I tell them that I “picked” 7 of the kids (the adopted ones), and the other two I got “stuck” with (the birth kids).
Sometimes I tell people that whatever they are asking isn’t really my “right” to tell them. That it is part of that child’s “story”, and if that child decides to share it then it will be shared but that it isn’t my decision to make.
Carla Jo
I always want to look at them blankly and say “Really, you’re seriously asking someone a personal question like that??” but I haven’t thought about it soon enough yet.
Recently someone I’d never met (and never did get her name!) asked if I was having more kids, I laughed it off, made a joke, she laughed, then ASKED AGAIN!! Hello? I gave you an out. Go with it!
One time when we had all 9 kids at home and we had a “spare” who had come home with me from school and stayed almost an entire school year – somebody asked us if we had figured out what caused that or if we were going to have more. I looked at the person and said it was caused from answering the phone. They were speechless and may have thought I was an idiot but as 7 of the 10 had joined through foster care that was exactly what “caused” it! LOL
Carla Jo
Altho my youngest is 15, I clearly remember what I label as “the congenital idiots.” I was 42. Perfect strangers would come up to me and say “aren’t you too old to be pregnant?”
Well – obviously not.
Or, did you have an accident?
I would look at them and say – no – it took a lot of time, money and effort for me to have a chance with this child – but what business is it of yours?
And they would leave in a huff. Not my problem.
Strangers pat womens’ pregnant bellies and ask when the baby is due. They ask if it is a boy or girl.
Somehow – pregnancy, babies and small children seem to be fair game outside the bounds of normal social propriety.
Decide what, if anything is other people’s business. Include your children in on helping to decide the answers and then stare the fools down.