I’m challenging myself to write more.  To that end, I’ve found a site called “Mama’s Losin’ It!” which shares weekly writing prompts. This week I chose “List 6 of your favorite quotes”.  If you want to join me in this challenge, click the logo at the end of this journal entry!

Faith is not believing that God can ~
it is Knowing that He will.
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Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.
Oswald Chambers

 

We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.
Oswald Chambers

 

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
C.S. (Clive Staples) Lewis, A Grief Observed (1961). A great book!

 

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Then have I reason to be fond of grief.
William Shakespeare, Constance, in King John, act 3, sc. 4, l. 93-5 (1623).

And, my newest favorite,

I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.
Flannery O’Connor

Yes, there is a theme of faith and grief….but that is my life. 🙂 I’m so glad I don’t have the grief without the faith!

Mama’s Losin’ It

Yesterday, 3 of my 4 kiddos had parent teacher conferences planned.  (Yes, even the homeschooler!  Though I am blessed to have those every two weeks.  I am beyond blessed with the wonderful, Godly woman who helps me plan and implement his schoolwork.)

The bottom line is that they are all struggling, but they are progressing! PTL! And I do! But I still find myself sad.  Have you read this analogy explaining what it’s like to have a child with a disability?  Please take a moment and read it.  That’s why I am sad.  I am learning to love Holland, but I can’t help but still want to be in Italy.

I am proofing the April issue of the wonderful homeschooling magazine for which I work.  I look at the curriculum reviews and the articles and I am so excited about them.  And, then I remember that I am living in Holland and if I teach in Italian my kids not only won’t they learn, but I will frustrate them to the point they won’t want to try.

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Lord, thank you for my kids. Thank you that they keep trying even though it never comes easy to them.  Help me create an environment where they want to try.  Show me how to help them when it’s hard.  Give us joy while we are in this season!

Many of you know we have been having a very rough time in our home for many years.  We love our kids to bits, but they aren’t easy to parent.  Over time you start to believe that these struggles are your fault.  And this is reinforced by every book, every ‘helper’, everyone who doesn’t understand what you are living with.  Hell, you don’t understand it, how can someone outside your home understand it.

Yes, there are labels, but a label doesn’t come with a fix or an answer.  And, there are medications, but those don’t always help but might, in fact, cause bigger problems.

Sometimes I feel so alone.  I honestly quit sharing because I was tired of the ‘just love/pray/believe/do/try more’ comments.  And, then I stumbled upon some blogs during the darkest days that helped me realize I am not alone.

One of those blog writers wrote a blog this week that I really needed to hear.  You can read it here.  Today I am praying that the Lord takes away all the advice I’ve been given about parenting my kids from my mind and that I only hear Him.  That He removes all the guilt. And my need for resolution.  That He allow me to remember that I can’t do anything without His strength.  That I see this life as freedom and not bondage.  That I don’t worry about those helper voices who don’t live with my children and don’t realize how damaging their advice has been.

Please read the post if you want to understand. I can’t express my heart today.

Finding it hard to stay upbeat and Hopeful today.  Going to fight it the only way I know how – focusing on the truth.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Joshua 1:9 ESV

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

John 10:10 ESV

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Psalm 56:3-4 ESV

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Romans 12:12 ESV

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.