Saturday

Everyone is home today – and the sun is shining! So we are going to get outside and trim some bushes, weed some flower beds and just enjoy the moment.

I hope the sunshine will help my mood. I look at my boys and can’t get over the fact that Josh is missing. He’d be 2 yrs and 8 mos old. He’d be able to hold his own out there with his brothers…probably screaming just as loud as they are on the trampoline.

DH wants to do something to recognize 2/22 – but I just want to get through it. He mentioned taking the day off and I would welcome that, but I can’t go out to the gravesite – I haven’t since the first year – and we can’t afford to go away anywhere. Besides, I can miss him here easier than I can away from home. If I need to sit and cry quietly all day…what’s wrong with that? At least I wouldn’t look like a fool crying in public.

But I recognize that we grieve differently and it’s not all about me. He needs to put actions into his grief. It’s something that I can’t undestand…but visiting Josh’s grave gives him peace – and making sure there are always flowers there is a big deal to him. But me…I want to be alone on the hard days. I want to write about my loss and then try to leave it there so that I can present a calm demeanor to the family.

Well, enough of this! I’ll try and write later today with an update on all my knitting projects! God, I can’t wait for February to end!