It’s been 5 months since we’ve lost Joshie. It occured to me last night that pretty quick he’ll have been gone longer than he lived. What an incredibly sad thought to me.
I’m turning 37 in a few months. And, I’m back to thinking that maybe we should take steps to not have any more children. Just say that these 4 boys were enough. But then I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so hard or so painful this time. Maybe I’d not have the problems I had before. But of course, there are no guarantees.
I guess the bottom line is that I’m not ready to make a decision. And, it feels pretty good to give that decision to the Lord and say, do what you will. It’s very similar to allowing my parent make a decision for me when I was a child – I knew that I wasn’t competent to make the decisions and felt a sense of security that they wanted my best and would decide what was best. Is that faith? I think so. I have Faith that whatever the Lord decides in this matter, we will live through it and, no matter how hard it might be at the time, we can rest in the fact that it is for our good.
Hmm…it’s funny where your mind will take you when you just let it go!
Hi Amy-My heart feels heavy as I read your journal entries – I just wish there were words that would help you. Just keep taking it a day at a time, even an hour at a time. There are a host of people loving you and praying for you. There will be a day when the deepest pain is no more.
I’m crying. God is so good, just hearing that someone feels what you feel is comfort. I didn’t insist on breastfeeding, I insisted on homebirth and a midwife and am struggling with wondering if this is why I miscarried. There’s so much militant stuff out there that sounds good at the time but we serve a living God that we have to be sensitive to. And right now in Aug 2005 I am where you were in July 2003.At 37 should I just start trying to not have any more children? Will I do the Heparin thing and risk bone loss? I have 4 children already but I hate to say ok, I ‘m taking measures to ensure no more, hate it. If I knew I’d only have moe miscarriages I’d do it surely, if I knew I’d have healthy babies I surely wouldn’t. but I don’t know anything!!!! I must roll it over to the Lord and listen for his counsel.