I’ve been plagued with guilt off and on since losing Josh. And, it’s been hitting me hard again…we try so hard to do what is right and bad things still happen.

I struggled and struggled to breastfeed Josh – he was my only birth child and the only one for whom I could do this. Also, my Dh had many allergies as a child and his mother wondered if not bf him made them worse. I was pretty stubborn and it took several weeks before we got it figured out. He was small to start with…and never looked very ‘healthy’ until just a couple of months before he died.

Just last night I found a folder from last year’s fair in August where his picture was taken for an id card – he’s so small it was shocking. (I’ve rarely looked at pics or video because it’s so painful)

I started feeling again that maybe the fact he had such a rough start and my insistence on breastfeeding him might have made the difference in him living or dying. Maybe if he had been bigger, his heart could have handled it and he wouldn’t have died

I so just want all this to be a horribly bad dream and wake up to his smiling face. But time moves on and he’s gone.

My head tells me that he’s in heaven and that I’ll be reunited with him soon…but my heart still aches.

It’s been 5 months since we’ve lost Joshie. It occured to me last night that pretty quick he’ll have been gone longer than he lived. What an incredibly sad thought to me.

I’m turning 37 in a few months. And, I’m back to thinking that maybe we should take steps to not have any more children. Just say that these 4 boys were enough. But then I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so hard or so painful this time. Maybe I’d not have the problems I had before. But of course, there are no guarantees.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m not ready to make a decision. And, it feels pretty good to give that decision to the Lord and say, do what you will. It’s very similar to allowing my parent make a decision for me when I was a child – I knew that I wasn’t competent to make the decisions and felt a sense of security that they wanted my best and would decide what was best. Is that faith? I think so. I have Faith that whatever the Lord decides in this matter, we will live through it and, no matter how hard it might be at the time, we can rest in the fact that it is for our good.

Hmm…it’s funny where your mind will take you when you just let it go!

Sounds like we’ve heard about the last of Joshie’s medical bills (tomorrow being the last day they can issue a bill)…though we’ve not seen them. I’ve tried to make sure I had enough set aside for that bill but it appears that I am going to be about 800 off. I’m frustrated, sad, and just weary of all this. I’m going to look at our bills tonight and make sure that’s all I’m off. Please pray for me as I do this. DH and I haven’t agreed at times about repaying this bill. He says they can get $5 a month for the rest of his life for all he cares. But I know that I can’t handle opening and paying that bill each month. I NEED it to be paid as soon as possible.

Thanks for listening…I just needed to not carry this alone.

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago…and then put aside. But it’s as true today as it was then. Wonder if it will always be true?

My hands ache to touch your soft skin

My arms ache to hold you

My lips ache to kiss you

My mouth aches to blow your downy soft hair

My nose aches to smell your powdery fresh scent

My ears ache to hear your cry

My feet ache to move in response to that cry

My fingers ache to feel yours wrapped around them again

My breasts ache to give life again

My eyes ache to look into yours and see myself

My heart aches

I ache