I’ve been proud – yes, that horrible word is the only one that fits – that I’ve handled Joshie’s death as well as I have. But to be honest, I’m not handling it well. One thing I continue to struggle with is guilt. I could make you a long list of things I feel guilty about regarding Joshie’s short life and death. But if I’m honest, I have to say that I did my best.
And, the thing I feel most guilty about is that it wasn’t good enough.
Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough?
How do I face each day?
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children?
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again!
And, yet, as I type these questions and the tears are rolling down my face – I hear the answer: God.
Where do I turn when I realize that my best isn’t good enough? God
How do I face each day? God will hold me up
How do I even begin to think I can raise my other children? God will lead me with His wisdom
And, what if God allows us to get pregnant again someday and this child has the same problems that Joshie had – my best won’t be good enough again! God will give me the love for that child and the strength to face whatever happens.
Father, I praise you for the way you’ve comforted me during this time – please don’t leave me! Please give me strength for this day – to raise the other children – to attend to their studies – to show them that it is ok to be sad, but that You are still my joy! Thank you for the wonderful books that you’ve inspired to be written so that I could process my emotions. Thank you for friends and for those who I don’t know who’ve let me know that my honest has helped them. Thank you for allowing me to have an outlet to express these honest emotions in such a safe environment!
Please help me to remember where my refuge is and to make the time to come before you!