Today I’m cleaning house. I’ve been needing to vacuum for a few days – but no time. Until today. Halfway through the house I realize the stupid vacuum bag is full. When DH got me this vacuum for Valentines Day – yes, Valentines Day! We’d been talking a mothers’ ring…he comes home with a vacuum and a gold band (like a wedding band) . Anyway trying to put that behind me! So, when he buys me this ‘wonderful expression of his love for me’ – he neglects to get any extra bags. But he’s gone and #3 is laying on the floor – sleeping the sleep of a child on cough medication!

A couple hours later my MIL comes by and I ask her if she’d get me a couple of bags – YEAH!! It’s so great having family around!

But when I finally get the bag installed it vacuums well for about 3 ft. Then I try to use the attached wand to clean by the moulding – and dirt comes out through the exhaust and all over the room. I turn it off and a bunch of dirt comes out of the wand…a few minutes later I dumped probably 1/2 bag out of the wand attachment! I sweep it up….try to vacuum, but it’s just a joke. The floors are now dirtier than when I started and I have the “benefit” of barely being able to breath.

Oh, yeah….I feel loved.

I usually think of Saturdays as a day of rest – probably a hold over when Sundays were the busiest day of the week for us when DH was in ministry. But now our family time is on the weekend and we use Saturday to get everything done that didn’t happen all week. And, boy does that make for a busy day.

Can you believe I still have sick kids!?! J2 is still feverish (at times) and coughing. Poor guy! We had to miss his first speech therapy last week due to his illness.

Eric and J1 headed out at 6:30 this morning for a Renn Faire in the Bay Area – the first of 2005. I hope they are having a good time…at least the weather has dried up for them.

In knitting news – I’m knitting some slipper/socks fro J1 – have about 2-3 more inches and then I can start the toe. Since I’m knitting them simultaneously sp?? they’ll be done at the sametime. I’m doing a bit more work from time to time on my “Thing” Sampler (took the links down because I’m so behind). Also, I’m still working on my purple shawl…it’s so soft! I’m almost 1/2 done I think.

I’ve been helping a bunch of my HS buddies online create blogs this week – I’ve added a few new links to be reads (misc) – I hope you’ll visit them and say Hi!

Well, the boys are wanting to set up the train track – the benefit of cleaning their room – we can actually set it up! LOL Later!

The end of SP4 is approaching and I haven’t got a CLUE what to get my secret buddy! Of course, on the off chance that she reads my blog – but I really don’t think she does… I can’t tell you who she is or give you any details about her….so just tell me what would tickle you? Please post your ideas in the comments – I’m just totally stuck!!

UPDATED to say – it’s not that I have gotten her NOTHING during this whole time… I’ve given her several gifts during this session…but I’m out of ideas now! Plus, I can’t tell you what I’ve already given her…so this might be harder than I thought! LOL

I’ve been in a funk. There is no reason I should be in a funk. It’s not February….it’s not May (Josh’s birth month)…the sun is shining….things are growing…each day holds potential.

And, maybe that’s part of the problem. I struggle with wanting to go forward and knowing that part of me is forever rooted in February 22, 2003. No matter what…my life is different. I will never be the person I was going to be. I’ll never life the life I was going to live.

You know – right after Josh died I wanted to get a tattoo. Something permanent to help me remember him. Now I can laugh at that (just a little 😉 because I know there is something permanent – and I will never forget him. I can’t ever tell you what that something is…it just is ‘something’. It’s the new way I look at things. It’s the way I can’t look at family photographs and wonder where he would be in the picture – figure out how old he’d be on that date – try to picture him there. It’s the way I feel like I am missing something all the time – that I’ve misplaced something and I can’t find it. These things have permanently marked me in a way a tatoo never could.

I’m not the same… and I will never forget.