Yesterday, my friend Robin and I had planned to go to San Jose (about 2.5 hours away) to attend Almaden Valley Christian School’s refresher retreat. Debbie Strayer was the speaker. In order to get there on time, I picked Robin up at 6am. We were buzzing along and having a great time when a gentlemen pulled up beside us and told Robin that we had a flat tire. 20 years with Eric – I’ve never had to change a tire. I didn’t cry – but Robin could tell I wanted to! We tried “fix-a-flat” and that got us to a very aromatic gas station – who knew they raised farm animals in the SF Bay Area?? A kindly old angel with a cigarette permanent attached to his bottom lip (HOW does he do that?!?) took pity on us and help us change to the spare tire. The guys in the gas station told us how to get to a tire place. The tire place was soooo busy – but somehow we were out of there in 1 hour! I was praying this whole time for wisdom…do we push on or go home to safety and husbands who change our tires for us!? 😉

Robin and I both wanted to be there. She had horrible back pain all week and had a feverish child but still wanted to go! We wondered aloud if there was some reason satan did NOT want us there. That thought alone was enough to make us continue on. We got there one hour late..but a quick look at the schedule showed us we missed some networking time and a sharing time. Debbie Strayer was already deep into her topic as we sat down. About 15 mins later there was a break – and I turned to her and said “I think I heard why I needed to be here” and she agreed! We could have left at that point and been blessed beyond measure! However, there was more words of encouragement and support from Debbie and lunch to be had!! I’ll try to share what I left with later this week…I’d like a few more days to take it in.

After leaving the retreat we felt brave so we followed some directions I had printed out, just in case 🙂, and headed to CommuKNITy – a huge yarn shop in San Jose. I found a booklet that I’ve been looking for – and since I had to pay to have my tired fixed, I did not let myself buy yarn. 🙁 But Robin got some nice Cascase 220 for a purse.

Feeling a bit weary from our long day – highs and lows galore – we headed home. Lots of great conversation on the way home!!
When I got home the house was quiet as DH took the kids to a park for a neighbor girl’s birthday party. I put my feet up for about 5 min. LOL Then I took the opportunity to clean the kitchen…clean out my purse…my yarn basket and my yarn tote! And find out that I have two overdue library books (sigh!) The I sat back down. I knit for about 1 hour until DH and the kids got home.

And, then my day took another turn. It seems that the grandma of the birthday girl is a nurse – one of the nurses that was working the morning that Joshua died. She and Eric had a very long conversation – and the retelling of it was almost too much for me. There are things I know now that I didn’t know and I wish I would have never learned. I’m so thankful I was not there as I’m sure there would have been no way I could have controlled my emotions – in my own home, my reaction was violent and sudden. I can only imagine what I would have done in public…and how it might be viewed by others.

At times I realize there is no way for anyone beside myself to understand my emotions. You – my friends, family and strangers – who reads this must be so confused by my good times, sad times, bad times and even the crazy times. How can you understand them when I can’t? I find that I can tell his story with little tears or even none and then I literally fall apart a few days later! It is true that you can never understand the pain in another’s heart – even if you’ve had a similar experience. I’m learning to allow myself to feel all these emotions. I don’t expect you to understand. But I thank you for caring and listening.