Hopeless

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raincloud.gifI’m not doing very well.

I can’t seem to stop crying.

Last night we watched about 10 min of a movie dealing with a death – and then I got a message from a mom who lost her son – and suddenly I could not stop crying. I went to my room and cried and cried. J3 came in and tried to make me feel better – bless him! When that failed he went to tell Daddy. I finally went to bed and prayed today would be better. But so far, I’m just well-rested, but as sad as I was.

I don’t want to bore you all with the details…but please pray that I can get my heart adjusted so that I can do what is necessary for this busy, busy holiday week.

Yummy X 2

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First, thank you all for your comments and emails! We are not giving up hope.  But we are frustrated. The next step for us will be to learn when the court date is set and pray. Otherwise we are as prepared as we can be. So, there probably won’t be any news for awhile…but please don’t forget to pray for us. Waiting can be the hardest part! And, of course, this is brining all my loss issues up and I am dealing with those the only way I know how – prayer.

Second, look what showed up on my doorstep this morning! Two of my favorite things – yarn and chocolate!! 😀

yummyx2.jpg

And, it was delivered by my knitting friend T and her adorable son A! Do you remember I asked for you to pray for her? She is due any day and had shingles? Well, she reported the shingles are gone! YEAH!! I think she will be at Knit Night tonight – as it may very well be her last one for awhile – so I’m going to try to be there too! (Boy Scouts is wrecking havoc on MY plans!)

What would I do without you all?! I hope I never find out!

In a Funk…

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I’m in a funk. Talking about Joshua seems to be the theme today. 🙁 I do ok except when I slow down and peek open the box. This box is a bit like Pandora’s. If I open it too wide I imagine that I will be overwhelmed with all the emotions, grief and pain I keep inside it. However, it must be pointed out that I’m willing to look into it more and more now. I am even realizing there are some good memories in there. But I must NOT wallow in there because there are children out here who need me to function!

Also, I’m in a funk because the OR caseworker seems to have taken a sick day and the foster mom, while giving me some day-to-day information on Princess’ care, said that she doesn’t think we’ll be able to get her for another 60-90 days!!!!?!!! Part of me calmly says “Now, Amy, don’t freak out. Remember that they just went to talk to the DA yesterday to see what they can do to expedite the placement. No one knows what was discussed or decided yet. This is just based on her experience.” And another part of me is … well, freaking out!

And, the meds that stopped the draining have now given me a headache. And, I’m whining. And, irritating myself! So, I’m shutting up now!

Forgetting

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We were finishing up devotions when J2 asked when Princess’ birthday was – I told him and that lead to figuring out everyone’s birthday in our family.  As we counted up the people we counted to seven:  Dad, Mom, J1, J2, J3, Joshua and Princess.  As J2 left the room he said “but in real life that is 6.”  J1 looked at me and quietly said, “I’m forgetting Joshua’s laugh.” Me too, baby.  Me too.  🙁

October 1st

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It’s October 1st. And, I feel a bit apprehensive. Regardless of exact dates, SOMETIME this month we will get more details about the baby girl. I’m eagerly anticipating ANY contact, any information. I’m pretty distracted by it.

Which, of course, means that I’ve got one of the busiest weeks before me!! Yikes! We’ve got homeschool, work, dentist appts, doctor appts, Knit Night, Scouts at all levels, including my shrinking Tiger den – down to three boys :(, all day tomorrow helping my mom with her dentist appt (she has to be transported and stayed with because of the medication), and we are finishing the week up with Olympics at the school and Eric preaching at our church!! And, in between all this I’ll be stalking the phone!

It also occurred to me this week, that the case workers, foster family, whoever, might end up on my blog at some point. For about 2 seconds I wondered if I should edit anything…and then I realized how stupid that was. I am who I am. I do not want to be anything or anyone else. If people can’t handle the truth of my grief journey or my anticipation about this adoption – then, that is their problem. I am who I am. And, I’m ok with that!