I put much weight on the first line in books. They can tell me a lot about a book, about the author and whether or not I’m going to be able to enjoy it. Some of my favorite are:
“When Mary Lennox was sent to Misselthwaite Manor to live with her uncle everybody said she was the most disagreeable-looking child ever seen.” The Secret Garden by Frances Hodges Burnett
“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
“My bodyguard was mowing the yard wearing her pink bikini when the man fell from the sky.” Dead Over Heels by Charlaine Harris LOL 😉
“A Grief Observed” also has a great first line that resonates with me…
“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.“
As I watched Joshua be worked on by the E.R. team I stared to draw into myself. I started to breath shallowly and pray (oh God, oh God, oh God). A part of me that was outside – observing everything including myself – thought how much this felt like fear. And, the feeling continued for days…maybe months. I withdrew into myself much as I do when I’m scared. I didn’t want to allow anyone else to see my fear or do anything to me that might cause more fear. I gathered my children close and didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I had trouble leaving my children with anyone. Still to this day I have the irrational thought that if they are with us nothing can happen to them…and my own life tells me this is a lie. But I keep them close to me and beg God to let me keep them safe.
Last week when I saw the accident – I started to feel the fear and panic again. I realized that it’s still there – buried under errands, homework, parenting, work and the ever present laundry. Have I really not moved so far along my grief journey? Is it just buried under life? Will it expose itself one of these days in a way I can not control it?
Everyone comments on my cold lately. Why can’t I just tell them that I cry almost all day long? Don’t I have the right to cry? Can’t I admit to myself that I am sad and that it is acceptable? Am I afraid they will push pills on me again to ease their discomfort? Or am I just unwilling to share my pain with anyone.
Amy, props to you for trudging this long road!!! I know I can never, ever imagine what you are going through, but I really appreciate your sharing. I hope that I can be there for you in some way, even if it’s just to be a friend who can listen. In my own experiences, working through the pain of past events is no fun, but worth it for the relief, or at least lessening, in the end. You sound like you have a lot of courage and I really admire that!
((((((hugs))))))
Amy, realized I forgot to put quotes in my last comment…”trudging the log road of happy destiny” is a 12-step thing. It means that while we’ve heard from others that the happy destiny is at the end of the long road, we still find ourselves trudging (only natural, of course). Hope this makes more sense. 🙂
I’ve heard of people talking about grief work and I never understood what they were talking about. Maybe as I come here and read what you’re going through, I’ll find out.
I don’t have any words…just praying so very hard for you!