This is one of those posts that I’ll write but then wonder if I should post…days later I’ll wonder if I should have posted it…and weeks later wonder if anyone would notice if I delete it.
When we were planning J1’s 13th birthday party, Eric ordered the family crest. I noticed it included the latin words “Pax In Bello“. Knowing a bit of Eric’s family history I knew they were warriors. And, I knew enough Latin to know that Pax is peace. So, that was a bit confusing.
I googled the phrase and found the following:
pax in bello peace in war
I had to stop and consider the concept. It could be that in the midst of war/strife, there can be peace. I know that is true. But it could also be there is a battle for peace. And, boy do I know that to be true.
For as long as I’ve called myself an adult, the enemy of my soul has worked hard to make sure I believe I’m not good enough, not adequate to the task, not acceptable, not as good as _____.
During Seminary, I had to realize that comparing myself to others was a waste of time and energy. I had to accept who I was and who I wasn’t. At some point, I came to peace with who I was in ministry. I became comfortable with my role.
Then I struggled with infertility. I started comparing myself to other women. I was deficient. To be honest, even after adopting and giving birth…I still battle at times with peace in this area.
Homeschooling is another area where comparing myself to others is a bad idea. And, added to it is the comparison of my boys to other children. My head knows this is a waste of time and fruitless. The blessing of home school is that I can create a specialized education for each of my children. I’m not educating the neighbors’ children. I’m educating them. I can trust God to help me meet the special needs of my boys and I’m blessed to have many resources so I’m not alone.
And though I gain victory in some areas for awhile, it is still a battle. Will it always be a battle? Will I never gain contentment and be able to stay there? Am I foolish to think that it’s attainable here on earth?
I can’t tell you how many times I cry out to the Lord for just a few moments of peace. Not just quiet (though as a mom of boys – you know I’d love a bit of that too! š but contentment. No striving for the next thing. Not wishing I had something that I don’t. Not worrying about what will happen and when it will happen.
I know in the next few days the struggle for peace will be harder than ever. My head knows that we are looking at another delay – maybe even 3 to 6 mos at the least. My heart struggles to accept that. And, my heart knows that another anniversary is coming – one I wish I could block out. It’s almost been 5 years. How in the world have I made it this far? It feels a bit dishonorable that I am doing as well as I am.
I don’t want to burden my family and local friends with my lack of peace, so I turn to you all again. I know there are prayer warriors praying for me. I know the Spirit moves you to pray for me when I feel most alone. Maybe I should say my head knows these things. My heart is feeling alone. And, yes, I know how twisted that is – I know I’m alone because I’m hiding my emotions. But I’m afraid that if I try to talk about them, the emotions will overwhelm me. It’s that darn box again. If I’m going to be able to continue the things I need to do to keep the family going, I need to govern my emotions.
Wow – I’m rambling. Forgive me. But it feels better to get some of the emotions out – and journaling has never let me down!
It’s a good thing some of us locals read this blog so we can give arms and shoulders to go along with all the prayers. Josh is not forgetten, we are aware of the timining. You doing well is a sign of your trust in God, not your anadequacy as a mom.
You’ve spoken to me on a level I don’t think you meant.
Thank you.
I will be praying.
Amy, you continue to be in my prayers. Joshie will never be forgotten and you are not disloyal for going on to live for the rest of your family. They need you to be the mom you are.
Please don’t ever feel like a burden. Your worries, problems, fears and just plain ole break downs are mine just as all of mine are yours. Please don’t hesitate to call, cry or just scream. I’m here and I love you. And yes, I will continue to warrior for you in prayer also. Love you Sis!!!
Praying that God is giving you a perfect peace that passes ALL understanding and that He will continue to hold you and carry you through these difficult times!!! (((HUGS!!!)))
Angela
Not sure why you’d want to delete this. You’re just speaking what’s in your heart. You know I’m praying!
Your post really spoke to me. Praying for you constantly! Remembering Joshie as well! I wish I was there to give you a hug! Love you sweetie!
Amy, we all struggle with many of the types of thing you mentioned because we all have the same enemy. Thank you for sharing because now we can be praying and praying more effectively. You are not alone.
May God shower you with the peace that only he can provide. I will be praying for you.
Blessings, Patty
I’m with your friends and their comments above. Couldn’t say it any better (especially Ruth and Perri). KWYM about deleting posts after the fact. I do the same thing…spill it and then delete it. However long it’s posted, it gives your friends a chance to let you know we’re there for you.
I’m behind on reading and so missed this, but am glad that you posted it! The sneaky enemy knows how to find chinks in our armour and wants you to fail, feel like slime etc because then he can distract you from the path that God has chosen for you. Today driving home from Folsom there was a song on Klove that reminded me of you. You listen to music more than I do, so maybe you know. It was about adoption and said something like “when you gave me up, you gave me everything.” I was thinking how true that was for your boys and how hard you have worked and put your all into giving them the best education and help they can get. You and Eric both, as well as giving them a Godly home and example. I know the loss never goes away. I know the waiting for Princess sucks (I hate that word, but it really fits)! But I’m glad you let us know how you feel because I think it’s important to lift you up to the Father! Minute by Minute if we need to. That’s what friends, especially sisters in the Lord (or brothers) are for. Hang in there. I’m almost always home if you need to dump!