I’ve been in a funk. There is no reason I should be in a funk. It’s not February….it’s not May (Josh’s birth month)…the sun is shining….things are growing…each day holds potential.
And, maybe that’s part of the problem. I struggle with wanting to go forward and knowing that part of me is forever rooted in February 22, 2003. No matter what…my life is different. I will never be the person I was going to be. I’ll never life the life I was going to live.
You know – right after Josh died I wanted to get a tattoo. Something permanent to help me remember him. Now I can laugh at that (just a little 😉 because I know there is something permanent – and I will never forget him. I can’t ever tell you what that something is…it just is ‘something’. It’s the new way I look at things. It’s the way I can’t look at family photographs and wonder where he would be in the picture – figure out how old he’d be on that date – try to picture him there. It’s the way I feel like I am missing something all the time – that I’ve misplaced something and I can’t find it. These things have permanently marked me in a way a tatoo never could.
I’m not the same… and I will never forget.
I’ve just been really down this morning…feeling a bit lost and defensive.
But my boys are so great!! J#2 and J#3 are the only ones home this morning – and because we have not completed (or started!) school yet, there is no tv allowed. They are great about entertaining themselves. They just brought out a blanket wrapped up with all the stuffed animals they could find. Through their own process of deduction, they have declared some girls and some boys. And, they are all getting married! LOL
In just a few short years they will not play like this anymore…and they might even be embarrassed that I’ve chosen to record this…but I’m so thankful for the smiles they bring to my face….even on a bad day like this!!
I’ve not wanted to write here….cause I hate bringing you down. But this is MY place to write, MY place to vent and I need to let off some of the pressure.
I feel like I’ve put my grieving into a box and the lid stays on it except for those days when I am strong enough to wear it again or those days when the lid just bursts off and I can’t do anything else but wear my grief.
Writing about my grief has given me a chance to peek into the box without overwhelming me with all of it. I have the opportunity to look at it in a way that I can handle. But since I’ve joined some knitting rings, I’ve felt like I needed to have more ‘normal’ content. But now I realize how much I need to write…how much the pressure of the contents of my box screams for attention.
I won’t be offended if you don’t read my blog – but if I don’t have an outlet for this crap – It’s going to overtake my life. And, I can’t afford to do that. My other boys are very loving and understanding, but they deserve a sane mommy. A mommy who can attend to their needs and doesn’t stay in bed all the time. A mommy who they don’t have to worry about….I never want them to question if I loved them so little that I didn’t try to keep going for their sake.
Today I got to unload three boxes of goodies!! Box #1 had my new Canon photo printer!! Box #2 had my new digital camera!!!! and Box #3 had some books for the boys! THAT was really fun! But now I have to learn how to use all these toys!
oh! And, I had three gals join me for the Woodland Area Knitters group!! yippee!! We are even getting pretty close to setting up our first meeting!! I’m so jazzed! Adult-type conversation!!
One downer for today – My sleep study got bumped a month. (sigh) These people don’t understand how hard this is for me! I want to feel good! I want to stay awake if I sit down! I want energy!! The new date is April 21 – I’m doing the countdown now! Please Lord – let this be a good thing! Let me get the help to start feeling good!
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